Be Warned =]

I’m sorry to say but I’m an honest person. You’re not what I’m looking for, not that I know what it is that I’m looking for. I just know that you’re not the one because it’s a feeling everyone has. When you know, you’ll know.

Yes I’m young and I shouldn’t play around or date as I wait because that’s just gonna fuck me up as well as you so forget it, don’t keep trying when I don’t feel the same way.

I mean, yes you’re funny and that I had fun when I was with you that one time, but that was only a fling and for crying out loud I was highly intoxicated with alcohol! T__T I don’t want to give you the wrong impression but I also don’t want to kick you away like how I usually do so for your own safety, be careful of what it is that you really feel. Interest and like is two complete different things. Getting the two mixed up really fucks you over. Trust me, I should know.

I also don’t want to be in anything that requires so much commitment right now, even if I say I would be able to make this shit last. Trust, I trust people easily, that’s why I get hurt so god damn much so now I tell myself to not trust you because I just can’t. I can’t give you my feelings and let you throw it around again and again, it’s not funny.

Unless if you’re an annoying little shit who is so god damn sure that you can change my mind then go ahead and do what ever, but when you get on my nerves, don’t blame me if I make you cry and run away like a weeping dog. I am a mean person and frankly, I couldn’t less if you were hurt because I had warned you.

Yeah I’m a bitch. =]

Just A Thought

Remember back then when we were together and how we were so happy? Remember how you make me laugh? Remember how I made you cry? Remember the feeling we had when we were there next to each other and the feeling we got when we were apart? I was thinking about those days just today and I couldn’t help but smile at the times we had.

I miss those times and thinking back to them kind of makes me want to go back. I tell myself that it’s just a thought and that I shouldn’t think too much about it because it won’t do any good especially at this moment in time. Indeed I am vulnerable and I will take any chance of happiness I can get, there fore I should be careful of what path I choose.

It’s probably the feeling of having someone there for me to talk to and hug that I miss. The feeling you made me feel was something I got sick of when you were around all the time and missed when you weren’t around.

That day when I saw you in the morning and not at recess, I missed you so bad up to the point where during lunch, when I did see you, I jumped with joy, squealed your name and ran towards you for a hug.

This is probably the empty feeling talking so please don’t think too much on it. But I really do want the feeling you made me feel back then. I’m not too sure about what my heart feels but, what ever it is that I’m feeling right now, it’s your love and care that I crave.

The thing I regret most was not being with you, it was being with you and not knowing what I had until I kicked you out of my life numerous of times and pulling you back.

So what do I do now? I’m not sure about my feelings, but I really do need what you gave me…I just don’t know what my heart and mind are planning, they’re planning different things I can tell you that…

Malicious Madison

Thinking back to those few months really does open up my eyes as to what kind of people the opposite sex really is. Let me be honest and when I say honest I actually mean honestly mean so I don’t really give a shit if the opposite sex reads this and gets offended because I don’t give a fuck about what others feel at this point in time. =]

They’re all the same. Even if they have complete different personalities, they’re all the same in one way and the way is a pain in the arse. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about if you’ve been in my situation before.

You kept me waiting for six whole months thinking that one day you’ll turn back to me and that I’ll finally get my happily ever after. I was wrong, I was so very wrong in everyway. I mean, what was I thinking that there would actually be a chance for us? If anything, I was being too naive and thought “hey, just because they’re best friends, it wouldn’t stop them if it was looking for true love!” True love my ass!! The only thing true is my ass!

You did so many hurtful things to me in the past, so how is it that we’re still friends and hang out? I probably forgave you for my sake. Hell, as if I would know. The most hurtful thing you did was probably the six months that followed after you came back. You so called act upon emotion and then what, you left me in the dark without an explanation. Not one word as to why besides “You should have met me first”.

Stupid of me to be so hopeful. So very stupid indeed. Every time I wanted to talk to you, there was no chance of seeing you in person, on the phone you would always make up a stupid excuse to hang up (fuck you!) so I had no choice but on msn. When ever I talk about ‘us’, you never give me an answer. That’s what I hate about you, you NEVER SAY anything. Key word; SAY!

So if you didn’t know what I meant by all guys are the same, you probably would by now, if not then too bad! Your fault for being an idiot and not knowing what the fuck it is that I’m trying to say or do you want me to screw it into your head? Get fucked! As if I’m gonna waste my time on stupid dumb fucks such as your selves!!

By this time, if you know me well enough then you can probably imagine me going insane and talking bullshit and going delirious with hyped/serious expressions. Well, you can’t blame me because that’ just how I am so FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!!!

RANT RANT FUCKING RANT!!

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH EVERYONE? WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE PISSING ME OFF!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO YOU HUH!!?!?!?!

SO TODAY I WENT JOB HUNTING, YEAH SHOVED MY RESUME IN AT A FEW PLACES, THAT PART OF THE DAY WAS FINE.

THEN I HAD TO KILL TIME WHICH WAS A PAIN IN MY FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!

THEN I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TAEK AND FUCK SAKE WHERE IS THE RESPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS???!?!?!

THERE WAS THIS LITTLE GIRL WHO WAS BEING AN ANNOYING MOTHER FUCKER WHO WOULDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT THE YEAR EIGHT SOCIAL THAT THEYRE HAVING. I SAY ITS FUCKING OVER RATED AND SHE CLAIMS IM JEALOUS!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE JEALOUS OVER THAT PIECE OF CRAP THAT WILL BE HELD IN THE FUCKING SCHOOL?!?! THEYRE ALL A BUNCH OF TB’S AND WHORES WHO WALK AROUND WITH THEIR SKIRT PULLED UP TO THEIR NIPPLES AND A FUCK LOAD OF MAKE UP ON THEIR FUCKED UP CHILDISH FACES!!! AND FUCK SAKE HER FOOT STUNK LIKE ROTTEN FEET! I SWEAR I COULDVE TURNED AROUND AND PUNCH HER IN THE FACE AND THEN SHOVE HER FOOT DOWN HER THROAT!!!

LATER ON WE WERE SPARING (ONE ON ONE FIGHT) AND LETS SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!

-         I GOT KNEE-ED ON ONE SIDE OF MY ASS

-         I GOT KICKED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY ASS

-         I GOT KICKED ON THE ARM

-         I GOT KICKED IN THE FUCKING CHEST!

-         AND THEN I GOT TOLD OFF FOR NOT CONCENTRATING BY A FUCKING YEAR EIGHT!!

-         WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD!!!

THEN AFTER THAT I TALKED TO A YEAR 11 AND HE ASKED WHAT YEAR I’M IN AND I SAID I GRADUATED AND HE WAS LIKE “WHAT?! YOU’RE IN UNI?!”

FUCK SAKE IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO BELIEVE?!?! I SAID YES AND HE WAS

FULL ON LIKE NO WAY

. FUCK SAKE, I KNOW I’M SHORT OKAY? BUT WHEN YOU HEAR THAT I’M OLDER, AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME RESPECT OKAY?! FUCKING LITTLE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

AND THEN LATER THIS OTHER YEAR EIGHT CHICK WHO IS SUCH A FUCKING LITTLE SCRAG GOES ALL IMMATURE BECAUSE I’VE BEEN PAIRING UP WITH A FRIEND THAT SHE WAS WITH BEFORE I JOINED. SHE WAS HARDLY DOING TAEK WHEN I JOINED AND NOW SHES BEING A LITTLE BRAT AND IGNORING ME WHEN I ASK HER A FUCKING QUESTION. THAT PISSED ME OFF AND I RAGED WHICH SCARED MY FRIEND BUT I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! EVEN IF I WAS HOLDING ONTO A TINY WOODEN KNIFE I COULDVE KILLED SOMEONE THERE AND THEN!!

AND THEN AFTER TAEK I WENT TO EAT WITH MUM.

I TOLD HER WHY I WAS PISSED AND SHE JUST HAD TO PISS ME OFF EVEN MORE!!! I SAID NO I DO NOT WANT PEPPER! WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE DO? DUNK A FUCK LOAD OF PEPPER IN MY FUCKING BOWL!! FUCK SAKE!!

WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE PISSING THE FUCK OUT OF ME? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WHO IS FUCKING YOUNGER THAN ME RESPECT ME? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING 15 YEAR OLD! I TELL YOU IN YOUR FUCKED UP FACES THAT IM ALMOST FUCKING 18!! SO THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS FUCKING SHOW ME SOME RESPECT!

I FUCKING HATE THE HUMAN RACE! YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF SEX CRAZED MOTHER FUCKERS WHEN YOURE ONLY IN YEAR 8! WHO FUCKING GO AROUND BRAGGING ABOUT CRAP THAT IS FUCKING OVER RATED AND I FUCKING RATHER HATE THEN LOVE BECAUSE IT IS SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER!!

FUCK SAKE!

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH EVERYONE? WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE PISSING ME OFF!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO YOU HUH!!?!?!?!

SO TODAY I WENT JOB HUNTING, YEAH SHOVED MY RESUME IN AT A FEW PLACES, THAT PART OF THE DAY WAS FINE.

THEN I HAD TO KILL TIME WHICH WAS A PAIN IN MY FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!

THEN I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TAEK AND FUCK SAKE WHERE IS THE RESPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS???!?!?!

THERE WAS THIS LITTLE GIRL WHO WAS BEING AN ANNOYING MOTHER FUCKER WHO WOULDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT THE YEAR EIGHT SOCIAL THAT THEYRE HAVING. I SAY ITS FUCKING OVER RATED AND SHE CLAIMS IM JEALOUS!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE JEALOUS OVER THAT PIECE OF CRAP THAT WILL BE HELD IN THE FUCKING SCHOOL?!?! THEYRE ALL A BUNCH OF TB’S AND WHORES WHO WALK AROUND WITH THEIR SKIRT PULLED UP TO THEIR NIPPLES AND A FUCK LOAD OF MAKE UP ON THEIR FUCKED UP CHILDISH FACES!!! AND FUCK SAKE HER FOOT STUNK LIKE ROTTEN FEET! I SWEAR I COULDVE TURNED AROUND AND PUNCH HER IN THE FACE AND THEN SHOVE HER FOOT DOWN HER THROAT!!!

LATER ON WE WERE SPARING (ONE ON ONE FIGHT) AND LETS SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!

-         I GOT KNEE-ED ON ONE SIDE OF MY ASS

-         I GOT KICKED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY ASS

-         I GOT KICKED ON THE ARM

-         I GOT KICKED IN THE FUCKING CHEST!

-         AND THEN I GOT TOLD OFF FOR NOT CONCENTRATING BY A FUCKING YEAR EIGHT!!

-         WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD!!!

THEN AFTER THAT I TALKED TO A YEAR 11 AND HE ASKED WHAT YEAR I’M IN AND I SAID I GRADUATED AND HE WAS LIKE “WHAT?! YOU’RE IN UNI?!”

FUCK SAKE IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO BELIEVE?!?! I SAID YES AND HE WAS

FULL ON LIKE NO WAY

. FUCK SAKE, I KNOW I’M SHORT OKAY? BUT WHEN YOU HEAR THAT I’M OLDER, AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME RESPECT OKAY?! FUCKING LITTLE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

AND THEN LATER THIS OTHER YEAR EIGHT CHICK WHO IS SUCH A FUCKING LITTLE SCRAG GOES ALL IMMATURE BECAUSE I’VE BEEN PAIRING UP WITH A FRIEND THAT SHE WAS WITH BEFORE I JOINED. SHE WAS HARDLY DOING TAEK WHEN I JOINED AND NOW SHES BEING A LITTLE BRAT AND IGNORING ME WHEN I ASK HER A FUCKING QUESTION. THAT PISSED ME OFF AND I RAGED WHICH SCARED MY FRIEND BUT I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! EVEN IF I WAS HOLDING ONTO A TINY WOODEN KNIFE I COULDVE KILLED SOMEONE THERE AND THEN!!

AND THEN AFTER TAEK I WENT TO EAT WITH MUM.

I TOLD HER WHY I WAS PISSED AND SHE JUST HAD TO PISS ME OFF EVEN MORE!!! I SAID NO I DO NOT WANT PEPPER! WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE DO? DUNK A FUCK LOAD OF PEPPER IN MY FUCKING BOWL!! FUCK SAKE!!

WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE PISSING THE FUCK OUT OF ME? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WHO IS FUCKING YOUNGER THAN ME RESPECT ME? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING 15 YEAR OLD! I TELL YOU IN YOUR FUCKED UP FACES THAT IM ALMOST FUCKING 18!! SO THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS FUCKING SHOW ME SOME RESPECT!

I FUCKING HATE THE HUMAN RACE! YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF SEX CRAZED MOTHER FUCKERS WHEN YOURE ONLY IN YEAR 8! WHO FUCKING GO AROUND BRAGGING ABOUT CRAP THAT IS FUCKING OVER RATED AND I FUCKING RATHER HATE THEN LOVE BECAUSE IT IS SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER!!

FUCK SAKE!

The REAL End

It’s that time of year where we all run around trying to find jobs, sitting around being bored even though the holiday has just begun and of course feeling slightly nervous.

It feels good that we have finished all our exams but then what now? What are we going to do? Yeah were gonna go to uni but then what’s going to happen after that? Get a good career, save money, settle, get married, have a family and then what? Die of course.

What a life. We go through all these hard ships to die.

Currently I am not myself. I don’t know what has caused me to be this way but indeed it is real and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I definitely need distractions and believe me when I say I’ll do anything to keep my mind occupied. I am currently trying to find a job, full time for the holidays if I can and spend every silent minute with sleep if I could.

Walking around the school yesterday brought back so much. I still can’t believe that this is actually true, that the end is here. How time flies when you don’t watch where you walk that’s why I trip most of the time.

As much as I want to go back to this time last year, I can’t. It has been just over a year since it all ended and I was pretty sure that things could have worked out. Why must I play the game, why must I be the bad guy, is this karma that I am now receiving? It’s all very complicated but I guess I can’t run away now.

There is no one I can talk to, no one I can run to and of course no one to see me for who I am. Everyone around me has someone to turn to; everyone around me is soon going on vacation and will be leaving me at home alone. By that I mean my sister.

I just wish that special someone would hurry and find me instead of letting me find him. It’s not easy and it’s not fun but it’s clear that we both need each other right? I don’t know what I am talking abut because at this moment I am not myself.

I'll be fine

It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x2)
It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x3)

Now deep down inside
You know, it cuts like a knife
But I'm too proud to show it
Pain in my chest (it feels)
Like I lost my breath
But she just doesnt know it
So many things that I'm just dying to say
But I can't seem to tell her

It's killing me, to know that she wants to leave
But I'm not gonna beg her to stay (no)
Cause I got my pride, I'm not gonna cry (cry)
There won't be no tears falling from these eyes
Don't need her to see, that it's killing me
So this is what I'll say

You don't have to worry about me
Girl, i'll be fine
You dont have to call me again
Girl, its alright
You dont have to ask me if i will be okay
Girl, i'll be fine
Girl, i'll be fine

You aint got to tell me that we can still be friends
You aint gotta make no excuses and pretend
Cause i'll be fine, said i'll be fine
Theres no need to call

It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x2)
It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x3)
 
now i cant believe, that i fell so deep
and i let my heart so open
now i gotta try, to keep it inside
these words, are better left unspoken

cause i still got my pride, im not gonna cry
there wont be no tears fallling from these eyes
dont need her to see
that its killing me
so this is what im saying

You don't have to worry about me
Girl, i'll be fine
You dont have to call me again
Girl, its alright
You dont have to ask me if i will be okay
Girl, i'll be fine
Girl, i'll be fine

You aint got to tell me that we can still be friends
You aint gotta make no excuses and pretend
Cause i'll be fine, said i'll be fine
Theres no need to call

It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x2)
It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x3)

girl i'll be fine (said i'll be fine)
theres no need to call
its better if we dont speak at all

Empty Basket

Back when I was a kid I had the most exhilarating life. Back then, I still had my dad, I still had one of my awesome uncles. He’s not really my uncle but our families are close up to the point we’re close enough for me to call him uncle.

So back then when I still had a family, every summer we would go to the beach and dig for pippis. Every summer we would go to theme parks, adventure parks and go to all you can eat every week or two. My own family, we would go for a movie every now and then. Those times where we have to go home because my sister and I fall asleep halfway through the movie.

Those were the best times of my life. We were all so happy. We were all so close. It was perfect.

Until…

High school. When I entered high school, I thought my life was just getting started. I was wrong. It was the end. My first year of high school, it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t get my head dunked in the toilet so that’s a thumbs up.

It was all good until the end of my first year. My family and I went over to Vietnam for a family vacation and to see my grandparents on my mum’s side for the first time. Some things occurred and mum cried and I was like “what the fuck?”

I was only twelve. I had no idea what was going on. I mean come on, I spent my vacation running around catching dragonflies and pulling them apart by their wings. Yeah I was an evil kid. Less now but still evil.

When I came back home and entered my second year of high school. That was when everything went down a steep hill. Dad left for a week, came back for couple weeks, then left forever. Up until this day I only see him once a week.

About a year after my dad left us, my awesome uncle lost his life. I dint believe until I went over to his house. I saw my aunty cry her eyes out. My girl cousin not being able to hold in her tears. My guy cousin who is younger than me by a day trying to hold in his tears. I just couldn’t believe it. Even at the age of 14 if my memory is correct, I still didn’t have an understand of the situations around me.

My mum, sister and I came to their house for every day for as long as the tears were coming out. Us kids played hide and seek in the streets which was fun because it took the situation off our kiddy minds.

Soon after mum and dad got a divorce and mum and other aunty had an argument and didn’t talk for god knows how long. That was the when I had just had enough of life.

Even with all the shit I went through, for some reason, I just didn’t show it when I was at school. I never showed anyone how I really feel about the things in my life. It was a distraction to be at school with all my friends.

Just a year ago was my brother’s wedding. It brought EVERYONE together. My grandma who mum didn’t talk to for ten years, my aunty who mum had an argument with, relative who I had never seen before or haven’t seen in a while.

Everyone, but dad.

Even when I was 16 I still had no clue on life. Now I’m almost 18 and I still don’t know what’s going on. I blame high school. I hate high school. I hate it because it took EVERYTHING away from me. It took something that was part of me and it killed the kid inside.

But when it comes down to it, I shouldn’t be blaming high school, I shouldn’t be hating it. Its reality that I should hate and blame. Its life that sucks. Its part of growing up. But is it really? Having things taken away from you? Is that what life is? Is it supposed to get worse every year?

You tell me.

I’m done with my years of high school. My last exam will come and that will be the end. Life as it is will be taken away from me. Reality will take my friends away from me and I will probably only see one or two now and then.

You know what this means? I. Have. Nothing. NOTHING.

Oh and another thing. My brother was taken away from me and so was my sister in-law. Stupid really, mum’s fault really. She was JUST being HER. Argument. Brother and sister in-law, gone. Haven’t seen them or talked to them for god knows how long.

I HAVE NOTHING!! WHAT’S THE POINT IN LIFE IF YOU HAVE NOTHING?!!?! ITS NOT FAIR, WHY MUST I GO THROUGH THIS?!?!?!!

Its not fair…

I'm Ted

I don’t get it. When ever something goes good for you, something bad happens to others around you. When something bad happens to you, everybody is out there having the time of their lives.

Do you ever ask yourself; What kind of person are you really? Do you ask that? The answer is clear. I don’t know. Some say I’m the good guy in the story. Others see me as the evil one, which is apparently a good thing because it suits me.

I’m sort of someone who hopes too much. I read too many stories. I watch too many movies. I wish too much and I dream way too much. Fantasy, that’s what I believe I am living in. I’m a big fantasist or how others put it, a hopeless romantic.

Indeed I am.

Why is there such a big difference between primary and high school for me? Back then, I hated the fact that I was always chased during our tiggy games. I had always out run them. Is that why? Is it because I didn’t want to be chased in primary that’s why I had no one to chase me in high school? Tiggy in high school, such fun memories. I can relate my fantasy world to the game tiggy.

In primary, I was hardly “it”. I was always the one who had to run away from those who chased me. I ran so fast, they just gave up. They never even gave it their best shot.

In high school, for some reason I was always “it”. If I wasn’t “it” then I’d be sitting around, waiting to be chased. Those who were “it” never even saw me, they ran right past me.

I hated it, I hated chasing, I hated being not seen. I hated high school. Those days, I remember the first guy I chased for an entire half year or more. I ran around the school just so I can see him. I walked his path just so I can stare dreamily at his back.

I guess he didn’t like the game of tiggy.

That was a big mistake. A mistake I made even though I knew it was a mistake. After all you wouldn’t know it’s a mistake unless you make the mistake that way you’ll know that you made a mistake.

TED: No it’s not an adventure it’s a mistake.

LILY: Okay yes, it’s a mistake. I know it’s a mistake but there’s certain things in life where you know it’s a mistake but you really don’t know that it’s a mistake because the only way to know that it’s a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say ‘yupp, that was a mistake’ so really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you’d go your whole life not really knowing whether something is a mistake or not and dammit I’ve made no mistakes. I’ve done all of this, my life, my relationship, my career, mistake free. Does any of this made sense to you?

TED: I don’t know, you said mistake a lot.

TED: It’s a mistake I’m gonna make.

The pain to believe through memories

There are many ways to remember if something was real or not. There are many ways that doesn’t include tears and pain. If so, then why do I feel this hurt? Why must it be that the only way for me to believe that it was real is to feel the pain I had felt and to cry the tears I’ve cried?

Is it not hard enough to think back about the thoughts? Must I cry every time because it wasn’t something I wanted? Nothing ever goes according to what you plan so why do I plan things? This world is such a crazed and messed up world consisting of crazed and messed up people.

Ever since I could remember, I had always wanted to live with the family I was born into and be happy. I had always wanted them to be around and never leave my side. That was what I had planned, for my family to be together forever. My plan failed soon after.

Arguments within the family caused mayhem. I was only a child and I had no idea what was going on at the time. But little did I know there was a thought inside of me which knew exactly why the arguments were occurring. Now that I think about it, it makes me that child once again who had cried because I did not know what I was supposed to do and so the me now cries as well.

Soon after I tried to not plan anything because one, I was just a child and two, I hated plans. I hate myself in that sense because I too was unplanned. If I was planned then sure, maybe MY plans would work out. That’s clearly not the case.

What happened back then was history, tomorrow is indeed a mystery even though I plan to go out and then to the school. But what occurs in my path as I’m going to those places is indeed the mysterious part. Who knows, I might run into an old friend, or even into a bus. Today is the gift, that is why it is called the present.

I’m not too sure whether or not that’s a good thing. A gift. What’s so good about a gift if it doesn’t make you happy?

I don’t need gifts nor do I need surprises. The only thing I need is your love, your care, your existence and your smile. That’s the only thing I need to keep breathing and so if you’re happy then so am I.

I just don’t want that day to come where you would have to leave because I do not want to see anyone so close to me leave like that. If anything I would rather not know you then see you leave.

I’ve witnessed so many leaves in my life that I’ve come to a decision that I will be the one who will leave before I am left. It’s not easy to do as it is easy to say.

Sure many confusions and troubles have happened between the two of us but we can work it out like how it’s supposed to be. Its life, its reality, it’s not fair but you can’t let that pull you down.

As long as you’re willing to fix the problems then who’s to say you can’t go back?

Just remember one thing. For me, it’s the tears and pain that makes me believe all of these things had happened for a reason.

Remember

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to let us down probably will. You’ll have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when someone broke yours. You’ll fight with your best friend and maybe even fall in love with them. You’ll blame a new love for the things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast and you’ll eventually lose someone close to you. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend angry or upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

M is for MAD

I never thought this day would come, the day where I would have to walk down the long road of thought and make one final impression. Why must I make the choice, why must it be me to start the war? This life as you all call it, is it not supposed to be care free, no trouble what so ever and be happy? Then why do I not see any of that happiness?

The reason for my existence is to make sure that Alice will never cry nor hurt and I will not allow Minniie go through such thing, nor will Madison because I’m May. I won’t allow my girls to go through such pain.

I was wrong to let one of my girls convince me into letting her do what she wanted. She didn’t want to continue being a coward and so I let her. I let myself hurt her because I’m the one who let them make their choices around here and I do my best to protect those who are dear to me.

Why didn’t I see it coming? Right from the beginning I knew that it was all too good to be true. One of my girls didn’t until I told her which was after the incident.

After the incident, she wasn’t the same, after the incident, she was no longer the Alice I had always looked over. After the incident, she didn’t want to let go after all the things she had physically felt.

It was wrong of me to let her do what she wanted so early. I should’ve held her back when that was what I was created to do. Hold back those urges.

Alice – someone who lives to find her happiness in life.

Minniie – someone who lives to experience the worst and learn.

Madison – someone who goes through things without a single tear.

As for me, I do my best and hold back what I want to do because I’ve been doing it for so long that I have gotten used to it. I had never done anything I wanted because others come first. What my girls want, they can get. But I tell them, it’s not that easy and there are good and bad stages that you would have to go through in order to get the right thing.

I don’t make their choices for them, all I do is pull them back when I see that they will end up in tears like Alice, but Minniie she knows what she’s doing and so does Madison. The two of them have out grown me and there fore, it is only Alice left that I need to guide her through her happiness. When she finds her happiness that is when I will come out and go find my point in life.

But no matter what happens, if anyone dare hurt my girls like how Alice got hit. You better pray that I don’t find you.

As for you, yeah you, Alice was my best. You were in the same car as her. So why is it that she was the one who got badly hurt and you left the crime scene with nothing but few scratches?

If I were to make the choices for my girls, I would drop dead and never wake. There for none of us would ever have to face what you call hurt, tears and pain.

M is for Mad

Life, as it is

It wasn’t a good idea, it wasn’t a good idea at all. In the end what was I left with? What good did I get out of it? What did I get besides a hole in my chest and tears rolling down my cheeks?

I guess I did get one thing out of this, understanding. I understood the situation very clear now that all words were said. What this was, it wasn’t like how I saw it, and it was very different.

Actions, some say actions speak louder than words. It doesn’t mean you should use your actions to tell someone something. That’s why you have a mouth and a god damn voice box.

Actions are misleading. I took your actions the wrong way and look where I ended up. At first I thought it wasn’t possible. At first I was only slightly into the fact that you would be the last person to disappoint me. I thought wrong because I saw wrong.

Your actions towards me were stronger than ever and so I jumped to conclusions which were a bad idea. I disappointed myself in the end.

I understand why it never works out for me, it’s because I never say anything and when I do, it’s either there’s no response or something stupid just has to happen and ruin my happiness.

I understand this situation very well. I know what I’m supposed to do. I should back off but I always do that when I find out such things.

You’re someone I can trust, you’re someone I can rely on and you’re a really good friend. I had once had a good friend who I could lean on and run to when ever something happened. He was always there for me. Soon after the relationship took a turn and I thought for the better.

I was wrong.

Now it’s me and you. What will happen once my emotions are spilt? I don’t want to ruin what you have with her and I don’t want to give you trouble but I just really want you to know especially now that I know how you feel and that your eyes aren’t on me like how mine is on you.

I gave you my thoughts, I gave you my trust, trust that you would be the last person I’d cry for. I was wrong. I haven’t cried over the opposite sex in a while. You got me crying. I really must like you huh?

HEART FUCKING ATTACK!!!!

i'm not fine, i'm not fine at all. pure disappointment, right in the face. its like a slap to the face and when the sting you feels, it the realisation of how much of an idiot you were for thinking that it was actually possible for the two of you to become one.

well im just gonna cry it all out, go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again

FUCK SAKE!! YOURE A FUCKING STUPID MOTHER FUCKING IDIOT YOU KNOW THAT!!!! FUCKING STOP HURTING YOURSELF!!!!@ FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   >_<

YEAH FUCK YOU TOO!!!

Why couldn’t it be JUST me? Not having anyone else to relate to so I don’t have to feel all this regret towards the shit that I do and say. I don’t need to cry when one leaves or dies. I wouldn’t need to worry about their crap if I had no one around.

Yeah I’m being selfish but guess what? I don’t give a fuck about that ever the hell it is that you think cause ITS THAT TIME OF THE FUCKING YEAR!!

Yes, its that time of the god damn year for the god damn lives of the fucking year twelves and I still don’t get to do what ever the hell it is that I need to do!

With the mornings when I wake up to an empty DEAD silent house and I need someone there to talk to, there’s no one.

When I need to be ALONE to fucking study and eat they’re all around bossing me around as if they have control over me.

If you want to see me to explode then go ahead, keep bossing me around, keep trying to be the god damn king and make me fall at your feet! Keep treating me like this then in the end when I tell you the score and you say it’s my fault then you wouldn’t hear that last of me. I’ll rant, I’ll explode, and I’ll throw it all back at your god damn faces and make you become a god damn mute!

Fuck I need to physically hurt someone ==”

Doubt in myself over you

Someone please tell me again why I’m thinking of such things. Thinking about it wouldn’t make it happen, thinking about it wouldn’t solve shit so why do I bother? There’s four days left of classes and after that is muck up day. I should be looking forward to it but I don’t feel any sort of excitement because there’s just too much rage in me.

I really don’t understand myself. But then again who does right? What I don’t understand is why I do the things I do, do I not learn from my mistakes? Why do I still make the same mistake over and over?

So what is it that I’m doing this time? Over thinking about the situation, hoping for something that isn’t mine, feeling resentful towards what I see, lamenting over the stupid things, penetrating over the serious things, killing myself over the things that I shouldn’t worry about at this moment in time.

Gosh I’m such an idiot sometimes…

(8) If I could write you a song to make you fall in love I would already have you tucked under my arms

(8) I was thinking about you, thinking about me, thinking about us, what we gonna be. Open my eyes only to realise it was a dream

I should sleep forever T_T

Now isn't the time to be thinking of starting anything

Ruined my FKN DAY!

The only thing that can possibly make me this pissy would probably be the ‘family’. Yes I was out for the day and I was HOPING that when I come home there will be a nice family to talk to or even have then shut up so I can rest. No, that wasn’t the case however, what I got was the mother telling the sister about how the aunty was asking why the mother and the brother is still pissed at each other for the god damn stupidest thing! The mother then says ‘I’m the mother, do you actually think that I’ll be the one to say sorry?’

How god damn stubborn is that. If you ask me, the one who sees both sides of the god damn story, she SHOULD be the one saying sorry due to it was HER words that CAUSED THIS!!

See how bloody stubborn she is? I don’t understand why everyone in the ‘family’ is so damn stubborn. They don’t even admit that they’re stubborn and TRY to defend themselves by dumping the blame on others. By doing this only makes you more stubborn than you already are!!

I’ll admit that I’m not a stubborn person but there are times where I am. AT LEAST I FUCKING ADMIT IT YOU FUCKING STUBBORN ASSHOLES!!!!

See what I have to put up with for every single day of my life? Like I haven’t had enough of their bickering while I was growing up. This isn’t the time for me to be WORRYING about the god damn ‘family’!

Fuck sake!!!!!   >__<”

Year TWELVE!!!

Have you ever thought back to memories that were so happy that you laugh at the memory itself? It is now the last two weeks of year twelve classes and it’s basically filled with study, study, practice exams, study and more practice exams. This is the time to be getting your mind straight to focus because the only person that you have to blame when you get a shit score is yourself. Even I’m forcing myself to do work man and I’m kinder freaked out by it. XD

So back to the memories, photos normally bring back memories but its not just photos. Notes and sayings, places and thoughts. Just before I was thinking back to a photo with someone and wondered if I still had it. So I racked out my files and found the folder of the Year Twelve Study Camp at the start of the year.

I found the photo, smiled at it and decided to go through the entire folder. Even though the camp was only two days, not even, it was pretty fun and there were many new experiences.

At the start of year twelve we thought that it was going to be the worse year of our lives. It’s true. But then the past year twelves came in and told us that it will be the best year of our lives. At the time we were thinking “What the hell are you talking about? Its year TWELVE!” but its true, it is the best year.

Indeed it is filled with study, study and more study but you also have fun at the same time. This only goes for those who balance out study and relaxation time.

There is so much to look forward to at this moment. The last day of school where you run around and no work is done, signing shirts, taking photos and tears with everyone around you.

After that is MUCK UP day where you can come as what ever the hell you want and mess up each other with cream, eggs, get soaked from head to toe. There’s also the whole school assembly where there’s announcements, music and you get to sit at the front looking out of place due to the costumes.

The following Monday is awards night which is GRADUATION!!! Graduation is a formal event where we have to dress nicely and get our gowns on and our diplomas I think? O_O

Then a few days later is our FIRST exam which is ENGLISH followed by the rest of the exams. Exams go for three weeks and after that is FORMAL!

After that you’re done and wait for the results which is daunting.

Another thing that’s daunting, the thunder and rain at this moment. T_________________T

Spoke too soon

My mind has been blank lately. I'm not sure whether or not it's the weather or because its the last few weeks of school that's screwing with my head or if its just plain me but i have really been blank and by blank I mean fuck load of thoughts running through my mind that doesn't know how to stop for me to think about.
See how it causes me to be blank?
Now is the time for all of us to think properly and keep our minds on our studies. I can't seem to JUST concentrate on my studies because the daily life problems.
Have you ever thought about something over and over again just so you can find the answer as to how to resolve it? Yeah I have. Many times and most of the time the resolution is wrong and i find myself back to square one.

By thinking too much about something or over thinking causes you to end up in the ditch of disappointment. I tend to blame others for my disappointment but then when I THINK about it, was it you who has disappointed me or was it I who disappointed myself?

Now isn't the time to be thinking of such thing I guess. So maybe after all the exams are over maybe we can talk about it then?
I shouldn't wait nor should I hope cause in the end I'll just be disappointed once more unless you could make this work for yourself and if you could, me.

Being fooled by what you see

Depending on what it is that I’m wearing allows me to look like a complete different person. Just because my clothes are different it doesn’t mean my personality and mood is. Therefore, please don’t be fooled by the looks, don’t be fooled by what you see, use your mind to see the real thing.

LINDAH!!!! SUCKS!!! (A)

Okay so I thank you for writing this to me because I love you oh so much don’t I? *stares*

Yes Lindah and I have been such great friends for the past six years. So great that she DOESN'T even REMEMBER that my first boyfriend was in YEAR EIGHT!

Year nine I was single and the only event in that year was city camp.

Yes and when I got paralysed by Chee, I went to SICK BAY and not HOSPITAL. Thanks for your get well card thingo. See how good of a friend she is? You wish I went into hospital *greases* hahahaha

So that’s probably about it that I want to fix up. Now it’s my turn to say some things. It probably wouldn’t be as long because I don’t notice many things around me *forgive me hun ;D*

My first impression of Lindah when she walked in our home room was “Woah her eyes are puffy!!” then it was “Damn she’s quiet!”

At recess when I was SUPPOSE TO SHOW HER AROUND THE SCHOOL she RAN OFF with her primary friend Lisa.

But soon after we got into a group which were the six stooges and me and her became the bester friends due to our marriage. I don’t think I proposed to her but our honeymoon was on a massive rock.

What I do remember is the amount of times she has cheated on me and the amount of times that I wanted a divorce. The papers were never signed and APPARENTLY I ALWAYS ran back to her. Tsk as if you’re that special (A)

Being friends you basically do EVERYTHING with them. You go out, you stay in, you eat, you watch, you strip (A)

You argue with your friends and when it was OUR turn for arguing, it hardly lasted five minutes. We could never stay angry at each other for more than five minutes. But one time in year EIGHT when I had my first boyfriend I was always talking about him to her which made her feel as if I was rubbing it in her face which I wasn’t. But because of the age that we were in, we couldn’t help but think so.

That caused an argument between us and it lasted about a day and a half. It got to the point where when she wrote me a letter (which I still have) it had said “I don’t know if you still want to be friends?”

I was like O_______________O   NOOOOOOO

I couldn’t imagine losing a friend like LINDAH!!!!! So I called her and we solved it. The next day we were fine like fine could be. LOL that was probably the only real argument that we had so far (A)

As time passed, I really did depend on her. I always ran to her when I had stuff I couldn’t figure out. Back then she had always told me what I could possibly do. But now that we’re older and we understand each other more, she doesn’t tell me what I could do anymore because she knows that I know what to do.

You could never ask for a better friend than the one I have right here. On my bed ;D  ROFLL

She’s one of a kind even if her life may not be simple and that you would need a lot of time to be able to handle her, I’m fine with it. I’ve seen guys revolve around her and they come and go like the wind. They come to her because they’re attracted by her face. But they go because soon after they learn about her personality and mind.

They’re such dogs seriously!

Ummm about the envy thing, I find it weird but because of the difference with those things between us, I guess I understand. Its not that I push myself to be happy, I just seem to find myself to be happy when I’m around people who isn’t my family. Even though when I think about it, it makes me sad I still smile when I look up at the faces who are smiling back at me. Family, who needs them? I guess we do… LOL

In the situation that I’m going through, it’s probably why I rather be in your shoes and never meet this dad of mine than have him taken away from me when the most important time of my life begins.

With your situation, it’s hard to pull through and I see why. It’s no wonder why you envy me, but guess what? You could be part of this, you can be so welcome to be part of all of this.

Tipper: and we’re gonna go YOU KNOW WHY!!!  (What happens in Vegas)  ROFLL

But its your choice if you want to or not. I only say this because I don’t want you to be alone. We’re in year twelve now, the most important year of our lives. Next year, we will be going our separate ways. Neither of us wants to drift apart and so if you do come and be part of this, we won’t have to drift apart because we will be able to talk like how we always do.

I can’t believe that the end is coming so soon. It was just yesterday that we were getting married by our Lote teacher, Mr Amos. PACHE!!

Like I always say, it will only be awkward if you let it be. Things will only happen if you let it. Therefore I won’t let us drift apart. I’ll do what it takes for this marriage to work!! (Y)  ROFL

This BEST FRIEND of mine, Lindah, she always knows what to do or say to get me laughing or crying. Like he post about me, at the beginning well, the whole first of it, made me laugh so bad I felt light headed. Until when it got to the part about how she envied me. That made me cry and I was talking to her on msn and I told her that I had just finished crying. She said “There, there. *pats balls*”

That got me laughing. See how special out connection is? How can you bare to have it slip away? Well I know one thing for sure, I’m not gonna let it!!  >:(

Love ya my wife    ;D

I'm terribly sorry for everything I did

I know that I’m probably the last person that you would want to hear from but there are few things that I want you to know.

I didn’t know whether or not I should’ve called you or go see you in person because I wasn’t sure if you were going to take my calls or agree to seeing me so that’s why I’m writing you this even if you don’t read it.

I’ve been such an idiot ever since the first time I said no to you. Two years ago I was a child and now two years later I’m still the same person but the child in me is replaced with over thinking if that makes sense.

Two years ago I’ve hurt you about three times, maybe more. After that I had said hurtful things because I wanted you to leave me alone. I yelled at you when you texted me in the morning because you couldn’t help yourself. I ignored you when we were in the same school.

Two years later we talk again and it’s different. We meet up to go out and it was indeed very different. But even though it was different, I was still the stupid girl who had over thought about things. When you asked what I was thinking about, I said what it was that I told you. I didn’t think that you’d take it as if I wanted to start over.

I did think of starting over because you were probably the only one who’s the real deal. I did think that, but I wasn’t so sure if that was what I wanted. We rushed into things and its hard to start over and say let’s take it slow. I guess it could’ve worked out if I took the time to get settled. But being me, I over thought things and ended up hurting you once more.

For what I did in April I’m terribly sorry because I had let some idiot get in my mind not that we had anything going on between the two of us. When you called me that morning to talk, I said the harshest thing anyone could ever say and what I did was way over the top because you didn’t deserve such thing.

I was your first, you said I was the one who made you feel something no one else could make you feel. I guess I didn’t realise what it was that I was doing two years ago and five months ago.

I know that I shouldn’t even be asking for your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it one bit. But the reason as to why I’m saying that I’m sorry is because truthfully I am. I’m terribly sorry for what I did to you. I’m terribly sorry for what I have put you through and for what I made you feel inside.

I’m not asking to go back into your life because I’m sure you wouldn’t want that and I don’t think I could say that I will never hurt you again because I tend to over think things.

I really shouldn’t be telling you this because I don’t think that you would really care. But when I think about it, are you really that type to not care about an apology for something that was way past the line? You’re someone who is gentle and kind and you care for others. I don’t know what I’m trying to say by this point in thoughts but all I want is for you to know what I’m thinking.

I really am sorry for everything.

Life of being Me&You

Don’t you just love it when you sit there on your own or with others around and you suddenly have a smile on your face because of a random thought?

Don’t you just hate it when another thought pops up and washes the smile off your face?

My opinion upon rich people is weird. I’m always on both sides. That’s why I suck so bad at writing essays that include arguing. I suck at arguing in general.

Rich people, I hate them because just because they have money they think they can do whatever the hell they want when they want. They even think they can buy love! How stupid to think that they can because you can’t buy love okay? Yes maybe you can buy items and that item causes happiness but then when you realise what it is that’s going on, that happiness is then failed.

Rich people, I like them because they can do whatever you can imagine of. They can make things happen just like that when you can’t. Maybe you can if you tried your hardest and ran all over town to find the things you need. Rich people can do it with a snap of their fingers. But that’s also a reason for me to hate them because they can do everything I can’t. See what I mean by being on both sides?

The funny thing about rich people is they have the things we don’t when we have the things they don’t. Such contrast isn’t it? Between the rich and the not to rich, such significant contradictions are seen!

The things the rich don’t have is memories, reasons, experiences, love, friends, possibly family and much more.

They don’t have memories of them as a kid who woke to the morning of Christmas and running over to the tree to find a present with their name on it.

They don’t have reasons to beat the living shit out of someone because they do it because they feel like it.

They don’t have experiences of cooking for themselves or going on an outing with a bunch of friends and doing the simplest things that can be so fun.

They have no one who loves them because the only thing people would love about them is their money.

Their friends are only there because rich people are wallets to those who you call a friend.

The rich could possibly not have family because they’re way too busy with their work and so they hardly talk or see each other.

They don’t have so many things which are the vital things we commoners have in life that makes us so happy. So why should we be jealous of such crap and want to be like such people? We shouldn’t!

But then again we all want to be rich someday right?

Failed at arguing    >:(

I'm the type of girl

I'm the type of girl who stays at the top of the apple tree. Yes i'm an apple, arent all girls? guys dont dare to climb up to the top of the tree because they're afraid of falling and hurting themselves. thats why they choose the apples thats easy to get, the ones either on the floor who has given up or those who have been thrown back by someone else.
Yet i still sit patiently at the top of the tree, just waiting for that one guy who is daring enough to climb all the way to see what it is they can get. But as i wait, i do not realise that there is nothing wrong with me because before when i didnt think of this, i though there was something wrong with me, that i wasnt good enough. but i then realised that the boys are just afraid of climbing a god damn apple tree. use a ladder if you must but you better be real cause if you're not, this apple will poison you.

I'm the type of girl who isnt afraid of death. its not like i havent died before. but hold a gun to my head and i wont show you fear of dying. the fear you see upon my face will be the fear of feeling the pain when you pull that trigger, that pain that i will feel for that split second as the bullet travels through my head and kill me. thats what im afraid of, pain

I feel as if I’m always alone at home. Even if mum’s home I feel as if I have no one around since she’s always in her room and I’m always in mine.

I get scold at for being myself, for saying things I normally say by my so called family. My grandma, who raised me for half my life scold at me for saying someone’s house is going to collapse because they built it themselves. I guess it’s a harsh thing to say but that’s me. You can’t blame me for being me.

If you’re going to be around me then accept me for who I am, don’t tell me to be what I’m suppose to be because I’ll disagree and most likely I will go pissy pants at you.

This isn’t the time to piss me off because this the most important time of my life of everyone who is at the same age and year as me. It’s important to not piss us off. if you’re going to support us then go ahead, but if you’re going to say something stupid or unsupportive then shut the hell up, we don’t want to hear it.

Having good connections with your family is important probably more important than the connections you have with your friends. But what sucks is that the connections you have with your friends are much more understandable then those with your family.

Friends understand what you’re going through because they too go through the same thing now and then. Family don’t understand at all and they yell at you for being you. Parents are so old school who think just because we’re girls we have to behave politely and be gentle. And they think just because you’re guys then you have to be a gentlemen who never raises your voice no matter what.

Well they can go live that way, we’ll live how ever the hell we want. This is the main reason as to why I want to live with my friends. Ever since I was in primary I had always wished that when I grow up I’ll live with my friends.

This post, I’m not sure what its aim is but I really want the parents and family to understand what it is that’s happening. I want them to realise that time has changed and so has the way of living. They can’t stay in the time that they were born in, they have to understand but I guess I can see that it won’t be happening any time soon so why do I bother?

The best thing happened today, well just before. I cooked for mum ROFL, its not that I never cook but before when I cooked the simplest dish and brought it up to her room on a tray. She laughed and was amazed. She was happy to see the food on a tray being brought to her.

That’s happiness right there. The happiness that I try to find in my family, to have them smile at the simplest things. I should be grateful for what I have left, I should make the most of it as I can because soon I will grow up and I will always be out at either work or school. I won’t have time for family. I can already see that my sister doesn’t have time for us, she’s always out and that’s another reason as to why I’m usually alone now days.

It’s good to have someone out there that you can talk to. I only have three, but one I hardly get to sit down with. So this post is here because there’s no one to talk to at the moment.

Sometimes talking to someone who has no idea what you’re going through is good because it makes you feel like a normal human being who is living a simple life.

I find myself living a way too simple life, that’s why I took up Taekwondo, to make it harder for me so I can focus on more things.

But then when I think about it, I have as much problems as any other person does, I guess my life ain’t that simple after all.

This is who I am

When you walk around parks, shopping centres anywhere with people really, you see couples. some makes you want to throw up in your nose some makes you awe and some makes you wonder will you ever be that happy? Today is my best friend's three months with her boyfriend. Who would guess that they would meet again, talk again and be together again? I'm happy for her, for the both of them although my actions don't show it, inside i really do feel happy for them.

I always ask myself when will i find my own happiness? I see it all around me and its making me feel alone. my best friend has her happiness, so does my sister who is now always out with her boyfriend and friends. friends in school is coming together and is forming another relation. you'd never thought they would but when you actually see it, you re stunned.

Not many of you out there know me. i guess the only person who really knows me is my best friend, lindah. even when i sometimes claim that she doesn't know me at all, she knows me better then i know myself. its hard to define what kind of person you are because you're afraid of what you might pick out. normally everyone would pick out the bad things about them selves. that's what i do and its not a good way to see yourself. i have many good aspects and they re fun to deal with. as for my bad side, I'm sure few people can stand to be in the same room as me.

So why is it that everyone is missing out on all the good things about me? Come on guys, i may be small but i got the whole package and im the real deal. i dont play around, im serious with my feelings just dont take my insults too seriously cause thats how i show my love. i know i may be scary when you first meet me but like in the earlier post, thats how i is. im not a smart girl but im not lazy. i only do things that i like and when its my choice to do so. i hate being told what to do and i hate having people do my work or if you want dirty work. i dont tell people to do things for me cause i like them to be done right. there fore i do it and if i fail i have no one to blame but myself.
I know that i PMS alot, but thats because people dont understand and they dont listen. im a listener as well as a talker. i listen to peoples problems so why cant others listen to me when i want the room to be dead silent? thats the reason as to why i rage and i sometimes rage to make noise. i hate it when its silent when im all happy. it really brings down my mood.
I may hit you alot with all the punching, kicking, slapping and yelling. but thats just how i am. im sorry if im not gentle like other girls but this is my way of showing affection. thats the way towards friends.
i can be really affectionate at times especially to those who mean something to me, and that they mean alot. i give out this comfortable feeling when im around, its never awkward when youre with me because it will only be awkward if you make it awkward. and i am not the one for awkward moments.
I make those around me smile as i am happy. happiness is the main thing i look for in life. happiness makes the world go round. i myself go in circles because i tend i confuse myself with the most simplest things. i can be a lost case at times but i eventually understand. i understand people for one, but in order for that to happen, you need to tell me what it is that is bothering you.
Dont tell me to mind my own business when clearly you mean something to me. i care for my friends, i care for my family, i care for those who are there for me when im in trouble. i want to be there for you all the way even if i cant do much. theres many things i would do for you. if only you take the time and the chance for me. just give me a chance and i will do the same for you. i know it takes time even if im not a patient person, if its finding happiness then im willing to wait. i dont give up that easily, i hang on and i hope. it can be a bad thing because ive been disappointed so many times even when i do i still hope for the best.
Its times like this, end of year twelve, that you start to think and understand the things around you.
i know that if i just go out there and give things a try, i know i will be able to find what it is that im looking for. my own happiness. i can last long because i really do hold on to what it is that i want and believe in. i know this may sound corny and you may want to run away, but that tells me couple things about you, youre not committed, youre afraid, youre not the real deal so get the hell away from me if youre playing around.
Ive come across guys like you and ive seen things. youre just a bunch of dogs who tell girls that you like/love them just for your own entertainment. youre the kind of guys that make me want to give you a good couple of kicks in the nuts.

So choosing to be my friend or more then that will defiantly change your world as it would change mine. i still dont believe in love because i have not yet experienced it. no one has really looked through me and see what it is that i really am. but this is who i am, it takes times. and for those who has taken their time, i thank you, especially my best friend.
you say i love you
i say tsk but thats my way of showing love
love you heaps ;D

pick me up if you dare ;D