Farewell

It is always the worse when it comes to goodbyes. For all this time everything has been great but suddenly it ends. For two years I've been working at one place and now I had just found out that my manager will be leaving us. It is the saddest thing I've heard within the workplace and I'm not so sure I can deal with it.

I had said to him that I would leave if he did but because of the team I won't. But if everyone starts to leave one by one then I will transfer to another store.

With everything that I have learnt I thank you. With all the times I've stuffed up I thank you for fixing it. For all the times you had worked around my availability to give me shifts it means a lot to me. For giving me a chance to go to a new store to train new staff I thank you for giving me the opportunity as well as for allowing me to become a supervisor within the store. The team we have today will not be what it is without you. But now that you have to leave to chase your dream we all bid you a big farewell and good luck with everything. Indeed we will all keep contact and if it was possible we would all follow you.

For being the best manager any worker could ask for, Thank you & see you around the corner.

~~Watergardens Max Brenner Team~~

Word Vomit ~

Reading old posts makes me think about the old things. If I say one thing and the following months after I do the complete opposite...what does it make me?
If I do something bad does it make me a bad person?
If I do something wrong does it mean I will always do something wrong?
Are people that judgemental to not be able to see past the crap?

I wanted to be serious, I really did. But what I did wasn't serious. What I did had caused so many dilemmas and even at this point in time I wish things had gone differently. There's never a moment where I can just stop and take the time to know someone, that time was all in high school but the things in high school doesn't really count because it was just fun and games.
I'm much older now and I should know what's right and wrong but I don't...its not that I regret this but I wish there was a time where it would've been perfect for it. Everything was rushed. We didn't think of the buts and the whys...we just went for it and now we have to suffer with the fact that things didn't go according to plan.

I can't deal with confrontation but I confront people. I guess its just me then...I can't deal with it but I do any way because I can't run away. I stand my ground and do what has to be done. I am this girl, I'm the kind of girl who takes responsibility and do what is right for herself and I also look out for those around me. 

I guess we all come to a stage in life where we have no idea about what it is that we're doing. If I do meet this girl what will happen? I should be up set shouldn't I? I should feel uncomfortable. Wasn't that one of the things you were worried about when we first started? That if she came back your feelings could change? What's stopping that from happening? Even if you have me, feelings can divert because you both have unresolved issues and it has nothing to do with me. Just because I'm yours doesn't mean anything when it comes to past issues. Yeah it will affect me and put me down a bit but there's nothing I can do about it. 
In the end you both were once best friends and as much as it hurts me to see you two talk or have an unresolved dilemma, there isn't anything I can do about it. It kills me to see you unhappy about her, it makes me feel like shit because you don't know what to do either. I know that you can see it the more I try to hide it. 

I know I don't think about things. I know I'm careless about most things that occur around me. I'm completely oblivious to it and I know that you want me to be more responsible. I'm still young but that can't be an excuse...I know that I have to be the adult here. It's my life and because you're part of it, the things that I choose to do will be for our life together.
I know it's early, much too early but it's been a month. A whole month. I know right...at the same time it feels like its been longer but already a month. I can't always look to you when something goes wrong, we can't have that kind of relationship because it won't be good for any of us. I have to know to think for myself when shit gets hard and its not something I do very often therefore its time to start.

Exams are coming up soon and I have been so oblivious to it, I'm going to be in so much shit for this T___________T
That's what happens when you get into a relationship...not that I don't want to be but I must work harder if I want all of this. 

Yours, Alice ~~

Slowly losing my mind ~

What is it this time? IS this normal? Or is it only temporary? I don't know if I can stand this, All of this, its as if I'm slowly losing my mind over a the little things.

I know how it feels now, to have a whole day go to waste. I know it to the core now and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the things that had occurred in the past, for the things that I had done. I know none of this makes any sense because it's not aimed at anyone at all. Its towards myself...

Minniie, I'm sorry for disappointing you for all these years. 

Madison, I'm sorry for not always being there for you.

May, I'm sorry for not listening to you.

You all were always right about everything. I just thought that if I did things my way then I would be able to find myself. But up until this very day I still don't know who I am and want it is that I want.

The thing is that none of you can tell why I am the way I am. Why is it that I act differently around different people? I know that you guys are closer to different groups but aren't I the one living in the real world? Aren't I the one that everyone sees?

So why is it that I'm acting on your behalf and everyone thinks its me? It kills me to not know who I really am. It scares me to think that I might lose him one day and it will be my own fault. It scares me to even think of letting myself go through that kind of tragedy. 

Who am I? Tell me this second who it is that I am!

Yours, Alice ~~

David Choi - Lucky Guy

It hasn't been that long but when it comes to writing then i guess a few months makes it seem long.
Again things are different around me but it feels like I'm still the same person. I hate to think back and realised that over these few years I have not changed one bit...it sucks...it makes me feel frustrated with myself.
The good thing is that I can see what it is that needs fixing about me, I know what I need to do in order to improve...but there's always a but...I don't know if I can do it. I'm twenty this year and I thought I knew exactly what is was that I wanted but its not that way at all. You can never be absolutely sure about the things you want in life because you're still so young. Even so, twenty is the ages where you start thinking about the things that you really want. You start planning your future and you start to work at it.

...My future? I'm looking at him right now even though he's asleep. He worries about me when he sees that I'm a different person around different people. He worries because he's scared about whether or not I know who I am. He cares for me and it makes me want to find myself. All these years I've changed but not for myself, it has always been for others. My entire life I've lived with trying to be myself so that others would accept me...but in doing so I am acting their way to be liked. That's not me, it can't be.
The good thing is that I notice when I'm a different person and so having that ability I just need to know what to do when I'm around different people. I'm going to be a supervisor at work soon and so I need to work on myself and fix myself before I try to fix others. I know that I am a great person, I can do great things. I'm a good friend to all my friends and I stand up for myself and for those around me. When I was in high school my home room teacher told me that I was the whole package and I so I grew up to who I am now trying to be the whole package. But I guess I'm trying too hard for others, I need to try for myself this time round.

Relationships, I know for a fact that I'm not good with them. It takes two to become one and so I have never gotten into those situations where you had to talk everything out. Now I do and yes its good but it makes me feel insecure...these talks strengthens the relationship but because I'm not used to it, I guess last night's talk got me a tad emotional to think that we were going to separate.
We both know that it would be easier for me to find myself if we aren't together but because we are together...I don't want to be apart from him to find myself. It might take a bit longer but I rather be with him and I rather we go through this together.

Please, just be patient with me ~ 

Yours Alice ~