This last weekend i had gone to Adelaide to visit some of my family members as well as get away from what i had in Melbourne. But being away from everything in Melbourne made me realise how accidental my life has been. Right from the beginning i was not meant to be on this earth and even until now there are times where i would ask what would have happened if i never existed?

Family. People say you can never turn your back on them no matter what. But because I was brought into this world I was able to see what family really is. Its complete shit that's what it is.

Having a loving family with your own kids to love isn't enough for you is it? Having to go here and there to find sleezy bone bags to rub up against is what made you happy. Betting on what you had in your pocket to the point of pink slipping the house your kids lived in just so you could win what? tell what you could have won that made you bet our lives. In the end what did you lose? A family that had always had your back, parents that stood up for you when you made bad choices, siblings that were always there for you and your very own children that would love you no matter where you were.

No, you chose to leave. You think she had a choice? No one during that day and age had a choice to be married off into a big family. She went through hell serving as a bride in your family and did you ever hear her complain? did you ever hear her complain when you turned your back on her and almost choosing a bag of bones over her and your family? No, she stuck with you til the very end. No matter how bad the situation got for her it was because of us that she had gone through hell. Seeing the man she loved walk away from her so many darn times and she still held on because we were still so young. 

It's been almost a decade now since she finally let go. Its been almost a decade and not a day goes by that I wish i had no family. There are certain people out there who don't have a family and wish for one. I on the other hand have been through enough; bullied by siblings, hated by grandma growing up, not wanted when the news came that i was created, and being brought into the world anyway because it was the right thing to do.

Yes you loved us, everyday you showed us that you had loved us. Up until that day where we had received a call from you saying that we need to take care of ourselves. How was a 13 and 15 year old supposed to take care of themselves? its just too cruel, and to think you loved us. Why would you leave if you did love us...?



So now when it is my turn to love it scares me....it scares me because if the man that brought me into this world left me would my heart one day be torn out and ripped to shreds and be left in the gutter some where? I hope not...some say I'm an idiot for loving too much... 
But if you don't love again you will never be healed...So long as you prepare yourself if you are ever to be walked out on again you will know what to do, you will have a plan to be independent and pull yourself back up.

I am who I am now because of what I had gone through in the past twenty years. Certain things made me the girl I am today and certain people had effected me. I wouldn't be the defensive girl I am today if i wasn't walked out on. I wouldn't be to bad tempered if my mother wasn't put through hell. And if i wasn't brought into this world I wouldn't be able to love the one I love now and learn what i have learnt from him.
I really am grateful for meeting you, it was accidental but like i said my life was an accident. And what happened after we meant was on purpose. 

I do try to be a better me, just give me time...

Alice~

2013

This year has gone by so fast. So much has happened, so many things ended and so many new things started.

I can actually stand up and say that i am not the same person i was a year ago. I would never imagine myself in the position that i am now. I wish i could say that i am happy for myself.

But i am now in a seven month relationship which is going quite well and i can only hope that it will add more months to it. I have started a new job and have only been working for eight weeks and already I've gotten a promotion to become a store manager. Which means I wont be having much spare time for the first few months and so I really need to take better care of myself. My health, when i eat and most of all my skin.

It's difficult to keep nice skin when you're constantly working and stressing but i find that you just need a facial once a week whether if its just a simple face scrub or a long hour of face massage. But its going to be hard enough having the time to do the simple things.

All in all life comes and goes and whether you've been kicked down or pushed around what matters is getting back up and living your life.

Take life seriously for a change. 

Yours, Alice~

What is the perfect couple? How will you even know? when you meet someone how do you know that they are the one meant for you? you don't...you can only hope that one day you will find your self saying those vowels to that someone like how you see in every wedding movie.
You live your life based on hope, trust and strength. Hope that you will find a soul mate, trust yourself that you will do great with the strength that allows you to stand up.
But back to the point...what is the perfect couple?
Almost all of our parents have had arranged marrieds. Some turned out very well and others not so great. But what i believe is that any two people can come together and share a life together. But of course they would have to match as well based on chemistry and connection physically and spiritually. Okay so not every random people can come together. Forget what I said.
Its difficult to say or even think of where you might be in five years because at that age you would be thinking of getting married. Its normal for a girl to think about her future with the one she's with but when a guy does it, its different, its serious and he is damn certain that he wants to spend the rest of his life with this girl.
But the perfect couple....
....I don't really know. Growing up the display of couples were never really perfect as I am looking for, the couples that i have seen had always fought and broken up and my parents are a clear example of that. So it worries me when it comes to happily ever after. I still cant trust myself, and after so many months now I still lack self confidence. Its really bad because how can i love someone when i cant love myself?
I still find it hard to say I love you to him even though I've said it before. Its probably because he hasn't said it back yet...I don't know when it will be but according to him he doesn't need to say it because I should already know from his actions. But even so I just want to hear it once for the first time. Maybe that is the key to put my heart and mind at ease with my worries...

but for now i can only take things one day at a time...and hope i won't be disappointed...

Don't prove my judgement wrong...~Alice~

I look down on you from above~

Certain things in life are difficult, certain challenges come your way to test how strong you are, how far you would go and how long you will fight. But then there are certain things that are just complete unnecessary.

When I brought the two of you together I did it because I had reason behind it, good reason; but certain decisions that the two of you make after I let go of your hands causes me to wonder if it will work out between the two of you. This life you cannot live as an individual, you must live as a pair, a pair that I have made for you. Why is it that this commitment you have towards each other isn’t strong enough to hold your curiosity back? Why does it still allow you to look at other people when its clear that you have the one that’s meant for you right before your eyes?

Its unnecessary to have anyone else but the one that holds your heart in your eyes. You mustn’t look at anyone else in that way and have any opinion about them. Isn’t it enough to just have that one special person? I know how she feels about you and there are times where you are reluctant to accept her feelings and return it. Why must you hurt her the way you hurt yourself? Why must she go through so much just to be with you? I had brought the two of you together so that it would benefit both of you, but right now all it seems is that you love him much more then you should because it is clear that he does not value your love as much as you want him to.

If the two of you really do value what I gave you then you wouldn’t even think of other people. You wouldn’t look at other people and you sure as hell wouldn’t lead them on like the way you have. I am ashamed of what I have seen and I can only hope that one day the two of you will only look at each other and realise that you’ve only ever needed each other and no one else matters.

You really do love him don’t you? I’ve seen what you had done for him, I’ve seen what you gave up for him. But I can’t make him see that. And I cannot make him be something he’s not. I can’t take his bad habits away, it is up to the two of you to work it out. If it hurts you that much then tell him. Tell him that its unnecessary because to you he is the only one you need. But that puts you in a vulnerable spot where your heart can easily be ripped to shreds by the way he is.

She loves you, why can’t you see that what you do hurts her? When will you stop with your childish acts and accept her heart for who she is and only have her in your eyes?

I can only watch over the two of you now, there isn’t much that I can do…

JC~G

What is the worse events you've experienced? a loved one passing, having to leave this earth, leaving everyone behind. How deep did it cut you? was it deep enough to scar you for life? making you curl up in a corner not knowing what to do or say, its life. How long did it take you to recover? Up until now I still haven't fully recovered because i still cannot accept that she is gone. Did you change after experiencing it?

Have faith in the stars above..

What is it like to grow up in a world on your own? To have to make the difficult decisions in life on your own and having to face the hardest times on your own, how does it feel?

And when you grow old and wise because of what you had to go through would you help others? Would you guide them in what is best and why? Yes, you would.

But what if they’re not ready for all the change? What if they’re still just too young? It would be really good for everyone or most people to realise certain things sooner because it will help them later in life but what if they’re not ready even though they are desperately in need of change?

As you grow up and grow older you start to notice what is more important. Yes at a certain age you think one thing is important but when you grow older that certain thing that is important might change to something complete opposite. Its normal for your mind to change and its normal for you to be afraid because change can be very nerve wrecking.

Growing up Alice had always believed in fairytales. All the stories that she’s heard, all the happy endings in movies, that’s what she had grown up with. So as she is only twenty she feels that love is all you need. If you have love then anything is possible, love will solve any issue that comes her way. But wanting to change to be a better person she has no choice but to learn it the hard way, to be pushed by the one she loves and having to cry every time she feels as if she isn’t improving when in reality she is slowing becoming better.

Having to be pushed so that she would learn she realises that there is so much more to life then just surviving. You require good compatibility with those around you and when in a relationship commitment is not enough. You must have the same goals and only time will tell whether the two is compatible.

Alice is easily persuaded but she loves with all of her heart. No matter what she does if she has her mind set on it then she will do it with all her heart.

She is young and I know that you want her to be sure of her choices in life and find herself but give her time and support her, you can see that she is slowly getting better and she is realising more and more every time. All I ask is that you love her and care for her, but at the end of the day the choice is up to you. No matter how much she loves you and no matter how much more she does for you then you do for her, she will do so much for you because she loves you. Love might not be at the top of your ‘what matters’ list but it is on top of hers. Try to understand that she cannot let go of it so easily.

~May.

Life's big changes....

Look at the world so big, so bright. So many things occur at night. Life throws you hardships to test your limit, who would even think that you would hit right through it?

Spinning side to side in my desk chair I tap my pen lightly on the desk wondering what else I was supposed to do.  Nothing...
You'd think that when one door closes another would open, but that only occurs in the movies and stories. Within reality you have to go find a crowbar to force open them doors or even get a ladder to climb in through the window. The point is you're the one who has to put in the effort for the things that you want in life. There is no such thing as things occurring on their own for no reason. You create your own luck, your own choices and decisions. Paths are created by the things you think of and when you actually do it, the path simply moves forward.
If you're ever stuck some where never look or even go back because then you will find your self to be stuck even deeper in the mud. Take your time to plan out certain things and go for it. Turn right or left if you're stuck but never go back.
I need to make a turn but there is currently nothing there for me to turn towards. Its difficult but not impossible. So much has happened in the past couple months and yet here I am still standing. I may be coughing my butt off but I'm still standing...well....wrapped up in my blanket but still standing!

So where do I go from here? I've only ever had experiences within the hospitality industry and now I feel like a change. I don't fear change any more because when I wasn't ready for change life went and dumped an ocean full of change on me. So I'm currently wanting to look towards office jobs and most of them needs people who have experience. Sucks for me... but its not impossible..

Yours, Alice~~

Walking along the foot path Alice had realised that life has been really short. Already she noticed that she had to be responsible not only for her self but for those around her too.
Alice may be twenty years old but already she has the responsibility of a mother and almost wife. That was what she had wanted so as she walks to the front door she has on a happy face.
The door opened and she was greeted by a friendly face, Jackson, her trainer who is also a good friend. Jenna, his wife came up to greet Alice also. Jackson and Jenna was heading out for the whole day and so had asked Alice to baby sit their three year old Jayden. Alice strode into the house and picked up Jayden as if she was his nanny. Nanny is a bit old for Alice but Jayden loved Alice for who she was and Alice had always seen Jayden as a nephew.
It wasn't long until Alice was alone with the little three year old and because it was nice weather outside she had taken Jayden out.
Keeping a straight sight on Jayden at the park made Alice think to herself "What is a good mother?" "What is a good wife?" and "How will you know?"
The answer was simple of course, others tell you so.
For a few years as much as Alice wanted to settle down she was more focused on her career and so was her boyfriend. Having their relationship stand on a halt. It didn't bother them; although deep down Alice still wanted to settle but she had always told herself that she needed a stable career before getting married.
But seeing her friends get engaged and talk about the whole marriage and kids thing didn't help Alice's dream of starting a family of her own. Attending a close friend's wedding had showed how much Alice had wanted to settle and her boyfriend knew it to the core. But the two of them knew what the right thing was to do.
But who knows, maybe her engagement isn't too far off.

~~~May

How can you be anyone else but yourself?

How can anybody be anyone else but themselves? We're human, if we connect to certain people then we get along with them right? But why should I not be myself just because others might think differently of me? I really don't care about other peoples thoughts of me. If I don't know them then it shouldn't matter what they think of me.
Let me tell you a little something about me. This is who I am. I am open and cheerful towards everyone that I meet. Its easy for them to open up to me and talk like we're good friends. What's so bad about that? Yes I hug my friends when I see them no matter if we're close or not. What's it to you? Why is it that you always have to go right down to the very root of things? You always pull things apart just so you can understand them. You want to understand everything don't you? I don't understand why you have to know everything but it gets really frustrating when you keep on insisting that how I am is not who I am. 

I might not be this way towards literally everyone that I know or meet but towards certain people its comfortable to be okay? so don't go pulling my actions apart and claim that it's something different.
What do you want me to do? I know you want me to be careful of how I am towards certain people and be aware of my surroundings but should I? I don't see why it would be a problem for me being so friendly and close.
I'm not trying to win friends, they become your friends over time and they like me for how and who i am. I'm approachable so if you don't like it then its not my problem. 
You're someone special to me. But you don't want me to always run to you when somethings up. Do you really want me to run to my others friends? How would you feel if i go running to one of my guy friends? How will you feel about me talking about serious issues with them? Its impossible to follow what you want. 

I know that you want us to work on ourselves before working on the relationship. And i know that were still getting to know eachother because we went straight to dating so its going to take a while. BUT instead of worrying about the little things, why don't you work on actually being a friend to me? you're not supportive and everytime i ask you anything you say you dont know. Do you know how frustrating that is? 
I know that we shouldn't ask for things. But is it really that hard for you to treat me like you're girlfriend in front of others? You're really crappy at showing affection you know that? Thats why you dont understand why i show so much sometimes.

Its been two months since we've met. But it probably means alot more to me then it does to you. The thing is I did leave someone for you. The one I left was a lovely person. Loving and extreamley caring he never did anything wrong. But I left him because he wasn't what I was looking for. I would've settle for him but I didnt because i met you. So in me leaving someone for you, it proves that you're better so don't prove me wrong. I think and feel that you're worth it so don't prove me wrong. Its the last thing that i would want because it would kill me.

I know that you care. But you just don't know how to show it. Work on that. And also work on the fact that I am your Girlfriend. Treat me like one.

Alice~

Farewell

It is always the worse when it comes to goodbyes. For all this time everything has been great but suddenly it ends. For two years I've been working at one place and now I had just found out that my manager will be leaving us. It is the saddest thing I've heard within the workplace and I'm not so sure I can deal with it.

I had said to him that I would leave if he did but because of the team I won't. But if everyone starts to leave one by one then I will transfer to another store.

With everything that I have learnt I thank you. With all the times I've stuffed up I thank you for fixing it. For all the times you had worked around my availability to give me shifts it means a lot to me. For giving me a chance to go to a new store to train new staff I thank you for giving me the opportunity as well as for allowing me to become a supervisor within the store. The team we have today will not be what it is without you. But now that you have to leave to chase your dream we all bid you a big farewell and good luck with everything. Indeed we will all keep contact and if it was possible we would all follow you.

For being the best manager any worker could ask for, Thank you & see you around the corner.

~~Watergardens Max Brenner Team~~

Word Vomit ~

Reading old posts makes me think about the old things. If I say one thing and the following months after I do the complete opposite...what does it make me?
If I do something bad does it make me a bad person?
If I do something wrong does it mean I will always do something wrong?
Are people that judgemental to not be able to see past the crap?

I wanted to be serious, I really did. But what I did wasn't serious. What I did had caused so many dilemmas and even at this point in time I wish things had gone differently. There's never a moment where I can just stop and take the time to know someone, that time was all in high school but the things in high school doesn't really count because it was just fun and games.
I'm much older now and I should know what's right and wrong but I don't...its not that I regret this but I wish there was a time where it would've been perfect for it. Everything was rushed. We didn't think of the buts and the whys...we just went for it and now we have to suffer with the fact that things didn't go according to plan.

I can't deal with confrontation but I confront people. I guess its just me then...I can't deal with it but I do any way because I can't run away. I stand my ground and do what has to be done. I am this girl, I'm the kind of girl who takes responsibility and do what is right for herself and I also look out for those around me. 

I guess we all come to a stage in life where we have no idea about what it is that we're doing. If I do meet this girl what will happen? I should be up set shouldn't I? I should feel uncomfortable. Wasn't that one of the things you were worried about when we first started? That if she came back your feelings could change? What's stopping that from happening? Even if you have me, feelings can divert because you both have unresolved issues and it has nothing to do with me. Just because I'm yours doesn't mean anything when it comes to past issues. Yeah it will affect me and put me down a bit but there's nothing I can do about it. 
In the end you both were once best friends and as much as it hurts me to see you two talk or have an unresolved dilemma, there isn't anything I can do about it. It kills me to see you unhappy about her, it makes me feel like shit because you don't know what to do either. I know that you can see it the more I try to hide it. 

I know I don't think about things. I know I'm careless about most things that occur around me. I'm completely oblivious to it and I know that you want me to be more responsible. I'm still young but that can't be an excuse...I know that I have to be the adult here. It's my life and because you're part of it, the things that I choose to do will be for our life together.
I know it's early, much too early but it's been a month. A whole month. I know right...at the same time it feels like its been longer but already a month. I can't always look to you when something goes wrong, we can't have that kind of relationship because it won't be good for any of us. I have to know to think for myself when shit gets hard and its not something I do very often therefore its time to start.

Exams are coming up soon and I have been so oblivious to it, I'm going to be in so much shit for this T___________T
That's what happens when you get into a relationship...not that I don't want to be but I must work harder if I want all of this. 

Yours, Alice ~~

Slowly losing my mind ~

What is it this time? IS this normal? Or is it only temporary? I don't know if I can stand this, All of this, its as if I'm slowly losing my mind over a the little things.

I know how it feels now, to have a whole day go to waste. I know it to the core now and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the things that had occurred in the past, for the things that I had done. I know none of this makes any sense because it's not aimed at anyone at all. Its towards myself...

Minniie, I'm sorry for disappointing you for all these years. 

Madison, I'm sorry for not always being there for you.

May, I'm sorry for not listening to you.

You all were always right about everything. I just thought that if I did things my way then I would be able to find myself. But up until this very day I still don't know who I am and want it is that I want.

The thing is that none of you can tell why I am the way I am. Why is it that I act differently around different people? I know that you guys are closer to different groups but aren't I the one living in the real world? Aren't I the one that everyone sees?

So why is it that I'm acting on your behalf and everyone thinks its me? It kills me to not know who I really am. It scares me to think that I might lose him one day and it will be my own fault. It scares me to even think of letting myself go through that kind of tragedy. 

Who am I? Tell me this second who it is that I am!

Yours, Alice ~~

David Choi - Lucky Guy

It hasn't been that long but when it comes to writing then i guess a few months makes it seem long.
Again things are different around me but it feels like I'm still the same person. I hate to think back and realised that over these few years I have not changed one bit...it sucks...it makes me feel frustrated with myself.
The good thing is that I can see what it is that needs fixing about me, I know what I need to do in order to improve...but there's always a but...I don't know if I can do it. I'm twenty this year and I thought I knew exactly what is was that I wanted but its not that way at all. You can never be absolutely sure about the things you want in life because you're still so young. Even so, twenty is the ages where you start thinking about the things that you really want. You start planning your future and you start to work at it.

...My future? I'm looking at him right now even though he's asleep. He worries about me when he sees that I'm a different person around different people. He worries because he's scared about whether or not I know who I am. He cares for me and it makes me want to find myself. All these years I've changed but not for myself, it has always been for others. My entire life I've lived with trying to be myself so that others would accept me...but in doing so I am acting their way to be liked. That's not me, it can't be.
The good thing is that I notice when I'm a different person and so having that ability I just need to know what to do when I'm around different people. I'm going to be a supervisor at work soon and so I need to work on myself and fix myself before I try to fix others. I know that I am a great person, I can do great things. I'm a good friend to all my friends and I stand up for myself and for those around me. When I was in high school my home room teacher told me that I was the whole package and I so I grew up to who I am now trying to be the whole package. But I guess I'm trying too hard for others, I need to try for myself this time round.

Relationships, I know for a fact that I'm not good with them. It takes two to become one and so I have never gotten into those situations where you had to talk everything out. Now I do and yes its good but it makes me feel insecure...these talks strengthens the relationship but because I'm not used to it, I guess last night's talk got me a tad emotional to think that we were going to separate.
We both know that it would be easier for me to find myself if we aren't together but because we are together...I don't want to be apart from him to find myself. It might take a bit longer but I rather be with him and I rather we go through this together.

Please, just be patient with me ~ 

Yours Alice ~