It hasn't been that long but when it comes to writing then i guess a few months makes it seem long.
Again things are different around me but it feels like I'm still the same person. I hate to think back and realised that over these few years I have not changed one bit...it sucks...it makes me feel frustrated with myself.
The good thing is that I can see what it is that needs fixing about me, I know what I need to do in order to improve...but there's always a but...I don't know if I can do it. I'm twenty this year and I thought I knew exactly what is was that I wanted but its not that way at all. You can never be absolutely sure about the things you want in life because you're still so young. Even so, twenty is the ages where you start thinking about the things that you really want. You start planning your future and you start to work at it.
...My future? I'm looking at him right now even though he's asleep. He worries about me when he sees that I'm a different person around different people. He worries because he's scared about whether or not I know who I am. He cares for me and it makes me want to find myself. All these years I've changed but not for myself, it has always been for others. My entire life I've lived with trying to be myself so that others would accept me...but in doing so I am acting their way to be liked. That's not me, it can't be.
The good thing is that I notice when I'm a different person and so having that ability I just need to know what to do when I'm around different people. I'm going to be a supervisor at work soon and so I need to work on myself and fix myself before I try to fix others. I know that I am a great person, I can do great things. I'm a good friend to all my friends and I stand up for myself and for those around me. When I was in high school my home room teacher told me that I was the whole package and I so I grew up to who I am now trying to be the whole package. But I guess I'm trying too hard for others, I need to try for myself this time round.
Relationships, I know for a fact that I'm not good with them. It takes two to become one and so I have never gotten into those situations where you had to talk everything out. Now I do and yes its good but it makes me feel insecure...these talks strengthens the relationship but because I'm not used to it, I guess last night's talk got me a tad emotional to think that we were going to separate.
We both know that it would be easier for me to find myself if we aren't together but because we are together...I don't want to be apart from him to find myself. It might take a bit longer but I rather be with him and I rather we go through this together.
Please, just be patient with me ~
Yours Alice ~
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