Remember

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to let us down probably will. You’ll have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when someone broke yours. You’ll fight with your best friend and maybe even fall in love with them. You’ll blame a new love for the things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast and you’ll eventually lose someone close to you. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend angry or upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

M is for MAD

I never thought this day would come, the day where I would have to walk down the long road of thought and make one final impression. Why must I make the choice, why must it be me to start the war? This life as you all call it, is it not supposed to be care free, no trouble what so ever and be happy? Then why do I not see any of that happiness?

The reason for my existence is to make sure that Alice will never cry nor hurt and I will not allow Minniie go through such thing, nor will Madison because I’m May. I won’t allow my girls to go through such pain.

I was wrong to let one of my girls convince me into letting her do what she wanted. She didn’t want to continue being a coward and so I let her. I let myself hurt her because I’m the one who let them make their choices around here and I do my best to protect those who are dear to me.

Why didn’t I see it coming? Right from the beginning I knew that it was all too good to be true. One of my girls didn’t until I told her which was after the incident.

After the incident, she wasn’t the same, after the incident, she was no longer the Alice I had always looked over. After the incident, she didn’t want to let go after all the things she had physically felt.

It was wrong of me to let her do what she wanted so early. I should’ve held her back when that was what I was created to do. Hold back those urges.

Alice – someone who lives to find her happiness in life.

Minniie – someone who lives to experience the worst and learn.

Madison – someone who goes through things without a single tear.

As for me, I do my best and hold back what I want to do because I’ve been doing it for so long that I have gotten used to it. I had never done anything I wanted because others come first. What my girls want, they can get. But I tell them, it’s not that easy and there are good and bad stages that you would have to go through in order to get the right thing.

I don’t make their choices for them, all I do is pull them back when I see that they will end up in tears like Alice, but Minniie she knows what she’s doing and so does Madison. The two of them have out grown me and there fore, it is only Alice left that I need to guide her through her happiness. When she finds her happiness that is when I will come out and go find my point in life.

But no matter what happens, if anyone dare hurt my girls like how Alice got hit. You better pray that I don’t find you.

As for you, yeah you, Alice was my best. You were in the same car as her. So why is it that she was the one who got badly hurt and you left the crime scene with nothing but few scratches?

If I were to make the choices for my girls, I would drop dead and never wake. There for none of us would ever have to face what you call hurt, tears and pain.

M is for Mad

Life, as it is

It wasn’t a good idea, it wasn’t a good idea at all. In the end what was I left with? What good did I get out of it? What did I get besides a hole in my chest and tears rolling down my cheeks?

I guess I did get one thing out of this, understanding. I understood the situation very clear now that all words were said. What this was, it wasn’t like how I saw it, and it was very different.

Actions, some say actions speak louder than words. It doesn’t mean you should use your actions to tell someone something. That’s why you have a mouth and a god damn voice box.

Actions are misleading. I took your actions the wrong way and look where I ended up. At first I thought it wasn’t possible. At first I was only slightly into the fact that you would be the last person to disappoint me. I thought wrong because I saw wrong.

Your actions towards me were stronger than ever and so I jumped to conclusions which were a bad idea. I disappointed myself in the end.

I understand why it never works out for me, it’s because I never say anything and when I do, it’s either there’s no response or something stupid just has to happen and ruin my happiness.

I understand this situation very well. I know what I’m supposed to do. I should back off but I always do that when I find out such things.

You’re someone I can trust, you’re someone I can rely on and you’re a really good friend. I had once had a good friend who I could lean on and run to when ever something happened. He was always there for me. Soon after the relationship took a turn and I thought for the better.

I was wrong.

Now it’s me and you. What will happen once my emotions are spilt? I don’t want to ruin what you have with her and I don’t want to give you trouble but I just really want you to know especially now that I know how you feel and that your eyes aren’t on me like how mine is on you.

I gave you my thoughts, I gave you my trust, trust that you would be the last person I’d cry for. I was wrong. I haven’t cried over the opposite sex in a while. You got me crying. I really must like you huh?

HEART FUCKING ATTACK!!!!

i'm not fine, i'm not fine at all. pure disappointment, right in the face. its like a slap to the face and when the sting you feels, it the realisation of how much of an idiot you were for thinking that it was actually possible for the two of you to become one.

well im just gonna cry it all out, go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again

FUCK SAKE!! YOURE A FUCKING STUPID MOTHER FUCKING IDIOT YOU KNOW THAT!!!! FUCKING STOP HURTING YOURSELF!!!!@ FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   >_<

YEAH FUCK YOU TOO!!!

Why couldn’t it be JUST me? Not having anyone else to relate to so I don’t have to feel all this regret towards the shit that I do and say. I don’t need to cry when one leaves or dies. I wouldn’t need to worry about their crap if I had no one around.

Yeah I’m being selfish but guess what? I don’t give a fuck about that ever the hell it is that you think cause ITS THAT TIME OF THE FUCKING YEAR!!

Yes, its that time of the god damn year for the god damn lives of the fucking year twelves and I still don’t get to do what ever the hell it is that I need to do!

With the mornings when I wake up to an empty DEAD silent house and I need someone there to talk to, there’s no one.

When I need to be ALONE to fucking study and eat they’re all around bossing me around as if they have control over me.

If you want to see me to explode then go ahead, keep bossing me around, keep trying to be the god damn king and make me fall at your feet! Keep treating me like this then in the end when I tell you the score and you say it’s my fault then you wouldn’t hear that last of me. I’ll rant, I’ll explode, and I’ll throw it all back at your god damn faces and make you become a god damn mute!

Fuck I need to physically hurt someone ==”

Doubt in myself over you

Someone please tell me again why I’m thinking of such things. Thinking about it wouldn’t make it happen, thinking about it wouldn’t solve shit so why do I bother? There’s four days left of classes and after that is muck up day. I should be looking forward to it but I don’t feel any sort of excitement because there’s just too much rage in me.

I really don’t understand myself. But then again who does right? What I don’t understand is why I do the things I do, do I not learn from my mistakes? Why do I still make the same mistake over and over?

So what is it that I’m doing this time? Over thinking about the situation, hoping for something that isn’t mine, feeling resentful towards what I see, lamenting over the stupid things, penetrating over the serious things, killing myself over the things that I shouldn’t worry about at this moment in time.

Gosh I’m such an idiot sometimes…

(8) If I could write you a song to make you fall in love I would already have you tucked under my arms

(8) I was thinking about you, thinking about me, thinking about us, what we gonna be. Open my eyes only to realise it was a dream

I should sleep forever T_T

Now isn't the time to be thinking of starting anything

Ruined my FKN DAY!

The only thing that can possibly make me this pissy would probably be the ‘family’. Yes I was out for the day and I was HOPING that when I come home there will be a nice family to talk to or even have then shut up so I can rest. No, that wasn’t the case however, what I got was the mother telling the sister about how the aunty was asking why the mother and the brother is still pissed at each other for the god damn stupidest thing! The mother then says ‘I’m the mother, do you actually think that I’ll be the one to say sorry?’

How god damn stubborn is that. If you ask me, the one who sees both sides of the god damn story, she SHOULD be the one saying sorry due to it was HER words that CAUSED THIS!!

See how bloody stubborn she is? I don’t understand why everyone in the ‘family’ is so damn stubborn. They don’t even admit that they’re stubborn and TRY to defend themselves by dumping the blame on others. By doing this only makes you more stubborn than you already are!!

I’ll admit that I’m not a stubborn person but there are times where I am. AT LEAST I FUCKING ADMIT IT YOU FUCKING STUBBORN ASSHOLES!!!!

See what I have to put up with for every single day of my life? Like I haven’t had enough of their bickering while I was growing up. This isn’t the time for me to be WORRYING about the god damn ‘family’!

Fuck sake!!!!!   >__<”

Year TWELVE!!!

Have you ever thought back to memories that were so happy that you laugh at the memory itself? It is now the last two weeks of year twelve classes and it’s basically filled with study, study, practice exams, study and more practice exams. This is the time to be getting your mind straight to focus because the only person that you have to blame when you get a shit score is yourself. Even I’m forcing myself to do work man and I’m kinder freaked out by it. XD

So back to the memories, photos normally bring back memories but its not just photos. Notes and sayings, places and thoughts. Just before I was thinking back to a photo with someone and wondered if I still had it. So I racked out my files and found the folder of the Year Twelve Study Camp at the start of the year.

I found the photo, smiled at it and decided to go through the entire folder. Even though the camp was only two days, not even, it was pretty fun and there were many new experiences.

At the start of year twelve we thought that it was going to be the worse year of our lives. It’s true. But then the past year twelves came in and told us that it will be the best year of our lives. At the time we were thinking “What the hell are you talking about? Its year TWELVE!” but its true, it is the best year.

Indeed it is filled with study, study and more study but you also have fun at the same time. This only goes for those who balance out study and relaxation time.

There is so much to look forward to at this moment. The last day of school where you run around and no work is done, signing shirts, taking photos and tears with everyone around you.

After that is MUCK UP day where you can come as what ever the hell you want and mess up each other with cream, eggs, get soaked from head to toe. There’s also the whole school assembly where there’s announcements, music and you get to sit at the front looking out of place due to the costumes.

The following Monday is awards night which is GRADUATION!!! Graduation is a formal event where we have to dress nicely and get our gowns on and our diplomas I think? O_O

Then a few days later is our FIRST exam which is ENGLISH followed by the rest of the exams. Exams go for three weeks and after that is FORMAL!

After that you’re done and wait for the results which is daunting.

Another thing that’s daunting, the thunder and rain at this moment. T_________________T

Spoke too soon

My mind has been blank lately. I'm not sure whether or not it's the weather or because its the last few weeks of school that's screwing with my head or if its just plain me but i have really been blank and by blank I mean fuck load of thoughts running through my mind that doesn't know how to stop for me to think about.
See how it causes me to be blank?
Now is the time for all of us to think properly and keep our minds on our studies. I can't seem to JUST concentrate on my studies because the daily life problems.
Have you ever thought about something over and over again just so you can find the answer as to how to resolve it? Yeah I have. Many times and most of the time the resolution is wrong and i find myself back to square one.

By thinking too much about something or over thinking causes you to end up in the ditch of disappointment. I tend to blame others for my disappointment but then when I THINK about it, was it you who has disappointed me or was it I who disappointed myself?

Now isn't the time to be thinking of such thing I guess. So maybe after all the exams are over maybe we can talk about it then?
I shouldn't wait nor should I hope cause in the end I'll just be disappointed once more unless you could make this work for yourself and if you could, me.