This last weekend i had gone to Adelaide to visit some of my family members as well as get away from what i had in Melbourne. But being away from everything in Melbourne made me realise how accidental my life has been. Right from the beginning i was not meant to be on this earth and even until now there are times where i would ask what would have happened if i never existed?

Family. People say you can never turn your back on them no matter what. But because I was brought into this world I was able to see what family really is. Its complete shit that's what it is.

Having a loving family with your own kids to love isn't enough for you is it? Having to go here and there to find sleezy bone bags to rub up against is what made you happy. Betting on what you had in your pocket to the point of pink slipping the house your kids lived in just so you could win what? tell what you could have won that made you bet our lives. In the end what did you lose? A family that had always had your back, parents that stood up for you when you made bad choices, siblings that were always there for you and your very own children that would love you no matter where you were.

No, you chose to leave. You think she had a choice? No one during that day and age had a choice to be married off into a big family. She went through hell serving as a bride in your family and did you ever hear her complain? did you ever hear her complain when you turned your back on her and almost choosing a bag of bones over her and your family? No, she stuck with you til the very end. No matter how bad the situation got for her it was because of us that she had gone through hell. Seeing the man she loved walk away from her so many darn times and she still held on because we were still so young. 

It's been almost a decade now since she finally let go. Its been almost a decade and not a day goes by that I wish i had no family. There are certain people out there who don't have a family and wish for one. I on the other hand have been through enough; bullied by siblings, hated by grandma growing up, not wanted when the news came that i was created, and being brought into the world anyway because it was the right thing to do.

Yes you loved us, everyday you showed us that you had loved us. Up until that day where we had received a call from you saying that we need to take care of ourselves. How was a 13 and 15 year old supposed to take care of themselves? its just too cruel, and to think you loved us. Why would you leave if you did love us...?



So now when it is my turn to love it scares me....it scares me because if the man that brought me into this world left me would my heart one day be torn out and ripped to shreds and be left in the gutter some where? I hope not...some say I'm an idiot for loving too much... 
But if you don't love again you will never be healed...So long as you prepare yourself if you are ever to be walked out on again you will know what to do, you will have a plan to be independent and pull yourself back up.

I am who I am now because of what I had gone through in the past twenty years. Certain things made me the girl I am today and certain people had effected me. I wouldn't be the defensive girl I am today if i wasn't walked out on. I wouldn't be to bad tempered if my mother wasn't put through hell. And if i wasn't brought into this world I wouldn't be able to love the one I love now and learn what i have learnt from him.
I really am grateful for meeting you, it was accidental but like i said my life was an accident. And what happened after we meant was on purpose. 

I do try to be a better me, just give me time...

Alice~