Malicious Madison

Thinking back to those few months really does open up my eyes as to what kind of people the opposite sex really is. Let me be honest and when I say honest I actually mean honestly mean so I don’t really give a shit if the opposite sex reads this and gets offended because I don’t give a fuck about what others feel at this point in time. =]

They’re all the same. Even if they have complete different personalities, they’re all the same in one way and the way is a pain in the arse. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about if you’ve been in my situation before.

You kept me waiting for six whole months thinking that one day you’ll turn back to me and that I’ll finally get my happily ever after. I was wrong, I was so very wrong in everyway. I mean, what was I thinking that there would actually be a chance for us? If anything, I was being too naive and thought “hey, just because they’re best friends, it wouldn’t stop them if it was looking for true love!” True love my ass!! The only thing true is my ass!

You did so many hurtful things to me in the past, so how is it that we’re still friends and hang out? I probably forgave you for my sake. Hell, as if I would know. The most hurtful thing you did was probably the six months that followed after you came back. You so called act upon emotion and then what, you left me in the dark without an explanation. Not one word as to why besides “You should have met me first”.

Stupid of me to be so hopeful. So very stupid indeed. Every time I wanted to talk to you, there was no chance of seeing you in person, on the phone you would always make up a stupid excuse to hang up (fuck you!) so I had no choice but on msn. When ever I talk about ‘us’, you never give me an answer. That’s what I hate about you, you NEVER SAY anything. Key word; SAY!

So if you didn’t know what I meant by all guys are the same, you probably would by now, if not then too bad! Your fault for being an idiot and not knowing what the fuck it is that I’m trying to say or do you want me to screw it into your head? Get fucked! As if I’m gonna waste my time on stupid dumb fucks such as your selves!!

By this time, if you know me well enough then you can probably imagine me going insane and talking bullshit and going delirious with hyped/serious expressions. Well, you can’t blame me because that’ just how I am so FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!!!

RANT RANT FUCKING RANT!!

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH EVERYONE? WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE PISSING ME OFF!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO YOU HUH!!?!?!?!

SO TODAY I WENT JOB HUNTING, YEAH SHOVED MY RESUME IN AT A FEW PLACES, THAT PART OF THE DAY WAS FINE.

THEN I HAD TO KILL TIME WHICH WAS A PAIN IN MY FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!

THEN I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TAEK AND FUCK SAKE WHERE IS THE RESPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS???!?!?!

THERE WAS THIS LITTLE GIRL WHO WAS BEING AN ANNOYING MOTHER FUCKER WHO WOULDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT THE YEAR EIGHT SOCIAL THAT THEYRE HAVING. I SAY ITS FUCKING OVER RATED AND SHE CLAIMS IM JEALOUS!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE JEALOUS OVER THAT PIECE OF CRAP THAT WILL BE HELD IN THE FUCKING SCHOOL?!?! THEYRE ALL A BUNCH OF TB’S AND WHORES WHO WALK AROUND WITH THEIR SKIRT PULLED UP TO THEIR NIPPLES AND A FUCK LOAD OF MAKE UP ON THEIR FUCKED UP CHILDISH FACES!!! AND FUCK SAKE HER FOOT STUNK LIKE ROTTEN FEET! I SWEAR I COULDVE TURNED AROUND AND PUNCH HER IN THE FACE AND THEN SHOVE HER FOOT DOWN HER THROAT!!!

LATER ON WE WERE SPARING (ONE ON ONE FIGHT) AND LETS SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!

-         I GOT KNEE-ED ON ONE SIDE OF MY ASS

-         I GOT KICKED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY ASS

-         I GOT KICKED ON THE ARM

-         I GOT KICKED IN THE FUCKING CHEST!

-         AND THEN I GOT TOLD OFF FOR NOT CONCENTRATING BY A FUCKING YEAR EIGHT!!

-         WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD!!!

THEN AFTER THAT I TALKED TO A YEAR 11 AND HE ASKED WHAT YEAR I’M IN AND I SAID I GRADUATED AND HE WAS LIKE “WHAT?! YOU’RE IN UNI?!”

FUCK SAKE IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO BELIEVE?!?! I SAID YES AND HE WAS

FULL ON LIKE NO WAY

. FUCK SAKE, I KNOW I’M SHORT OKAY? BUT WHEN YOU HEAR THAT I’M OLDER, AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME RESPECT OKAY?! FUCKING LITTLE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

AND THEN LATER THIS OTHER YEAR EIGHT CHICK WHO IS SUCH A FUCKING LITTLE SCRAG GOES ALL IMMATURE BECAUSE I’VE BEEN PAIRING UP WITH A FRIEND THAT SHE WAS WITH BEFORE I JOINED. SHE WAS HARDLY DOING TAEK WHEN I JOINED AND NOW SHES BEING A LITTLE BRAT AND IGNORING ME WHEN I ASK HER A FUCKING QUESTION. THAT PISSED ME OFF AND I RAGED WHICH SCARED MY FRIEND BUT I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! EVEN IF I WAS HOLDING ONTO A TINY WOODEN KNIFE I COULDVE KILLED SOMEONE THERE AND THEN!!

AND THEN AFTER TAEK I WENT TO EAT WITH MUM.

I TOLD HER WHY I WAS PISSED AND SHE JUST HAD TO PISS ME OFF EVEN MORE!!! I SAID NO I DO NOT WANT PEPPER! WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE DO? DUNK A FUCK LOAD OF PEPPER IN MY FUCKING BOWL!! FUCK SAKE!!

WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE PISSING THE FUCK OUT OF ME? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WHO IS FUCKING YOUNGER THAN ME RESPECT ME? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING 15 YEAR OLD! I TELL YOU IN YOUR FUCKED UP FACES THAT IM ALMOST FUCKING 18!! SO THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS FUCKING SHOW ME SOME RESPECT!

I FUCKING HATE THE HUMAN RACE! YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF SEX CRAZED MOTHER FUCKERS WHEN YOURE ONLY IN YEAR 8! WHO FUCKING GO AROUND BRAGGING ABOUT CRAP THAT IS FUCKING OVER RATED AND I FUCKING RATHER HATE THEN LOVE BECAUSE IT IS SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER!!

FUCK SAKE!

WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH EVERYONE? WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE PISSING ME OFF!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO YOU HUH!!?!?!?!

SO TODAY I WENT JOB HUNTING, YEAH SHOVED MY RESUME IN AT A FEW PLACES, THAT PART OF THE DAY WAS FINE.

THEN I HAD TO KILL TIME WHICH WAS A PAIN IN MY FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!

THEN I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TAEK AND FUCK SAKE WHERE IS THE RESPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS???!?!?!

THERE WAS THIS LITTLE GIRL WHO WAS BEING AN ANNOYING MOTHER FUCKER WHO WOULDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT THE YEAR EIGHT SOCIAL THAT THEYRE HAVING. I SAY ITS FUCKING OVER RATED AND SHE CLAIMS IM JEALOUS!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE JEALOUS OVER THAT PIECE OF CRAP THAT WILL BE HELD IN THE FUCKING SCHOOL?!?! THEYRE ALL A BUNCH OF TB’S AND WHORES WHO WALK AROUND WITH THEIR SKIRT PULLED UP TO THEIR NIPPLES AND A FUCK LOAD OF MAKE UP ON THEIR FUCKED UP CHILDISH FACES!!! AND FUCK SAKE HER FOOT STUNK LIKE ROTTEN FEET! I SWEAR I COULDVE TURNED AROUND AND PUNCH HER IN THE FACE AND THEN SHOVE HER FOOT DOWN HER THROAT!!!

LATER ON WE WERE SPARING (ONE ON ONE FIGHT) AND LETS SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!

-         I GOT KNEE-ED ON ONE SIDE OF MY ASS

-         I GOT KICKED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY ASS

-         I GOT KICKED ON THE ARM

-         I GOT KICKED IN THE FUCKING CHEST!

-         AND THEN I GOT TOLD OFF FOR NOT CONCENTRATING BY A FUCKING YEAR EIGHT!!

-         WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD!!!

THEN AFTER THAT I TALKED TO A YEAR 11 AND HE ASKED WHAT YEAR I’M IN AND I SAID I GRADUATED AND HE WAS LIKE “WHAT?! YOU’RE IN UNI?!”

FUCK SAKE IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO BELIEVE?!?! I SAID YES AND HE WAS

FULL ON LIKE NO WAY

. FUCK SAKE, I KNOW I’M SHORT OKAY? BUT WHEN YOU HEAR THAT I’M OLDER, AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME RESPECT OKAY?! FUCKING LITTLE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

AND THEN LATER THIS OTHER YEAR EIGHT CHICK WHO IS SUCH A FUCKING LITTLE SCRAG GOES ALL IMMATURE BECAUSE I’VE BEEN PAIRING UP WITH A FRIEND THAT SHE WAS WITH BEFORE I JOINED. SHE WAS HARDLY DOING TAEK WHEN I JOINED AND NOW SHES BEING A LITTLE BRAT AND IGNORING ME WHEN I ASK HER A FUCKING QUESTION. THAT PISSED ME OFF AND I RAGED WHICH SCARED MY FRIEND BUT I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! EVEN IF I WAS HOLDING ONTO A TINY WOODEN KNIFE I COULDVE KILLED SOMEONE THERE AND THEN!!

AND THEN AFTER TAEK I WENT TO EAT WITH MUM.

I TOLD HER WHY I WAS PISSED AND SHE JUST HAD TO PISS ME OFF EVEN MORE!!! I SAID NO I DO NOT WANT PEPPER! WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE DO? DUNK A FUCK LOAD OF PEPPER IN MY FUCKING BOWL!! FUCK SAKE!!

WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE PISSING THE FUCK OUT OF ME? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WHO IS FUCKING YOUNGER THAN ME RESPECT ME? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING 15 YEAR OLD! I TELL YOU IN YOUR FUCKED UP FACES THAT IM ALMOST FUCKING 18!! SO THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS FUCKING SHOW ME SOME RESPECT!

I FUCKING HATE THE HUMAN RACE! YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF SEX CRAZED MOTHER FUCKERS WHEN YOURE ONLY IN YEAR 8! WHO FUCKING GO AROUND BRAGGING ABOUT CRAP THAT IS FUCKING OVER RATED AND I FUCKING RATHER HATE THEN LOVE BECAUSE IT IS SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER!!

FUCK SAKE!

The REAL End

It’s that time of year where we all run around trying to find jobs, sitting around being bored even though the holiday has just begun and of course feeling slightly nervous.

It feels good that we have finished all our exams but then what now? What are we going to do? Yeah were gonna go to uni but then what’s going to happen after that? Get a good career, save money, settle, get married, have a family and then what? Die of course.

What a life. We go through all these hard ships to die.

Currently I am not myself. I don’t know what has caused me to be this way but indeed it is real and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I definitely need distractions and believe me when I say I’ll do anything to keep my mind occupied. I am currently trying to find a job, full time for the holidays if I can and spend every silent minute with sleep if I could.

Walking around the school yesterday brought back so much. I still can’t believe that this is actually true, that the end is here. How time flies when you don’t watch where you walk that’s why I trip most of the time.

As much as I want to go back to this time last year, I can’t. It has been just over a year since it all ended and I was pretty sure that things could have worked out. Why must I play the game, why must I be the bad guy, is this karma that I am now receiving? It’s all very complicated but I guess I can’t run away now.

There is no one I can talk to, no one I can run to and of course no one to see me for who I am. Everyone around me has someone to turn to; everyone around me is soon going on vacation and will be leaving me at home alone. By that I mean my sister.

I just wish that special someone would hurry and find me instead of letting me find him. It’s not easy and it’s not fun but it’s clear that we both need each other right? I don’t know what I am talking abut because at this moment I am not myself.

I'll be fine

It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x2)
It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x3)

Now deep down inside
You know, it cuts like a knife
But I'm too proud to show it
Pain in my chest (it feels)
Like I lost my breath
But she just doesnt know it
So many things that I'm just dying to say
But I can't seem to tell her

It's killing me, to know that she wants to leave
But I'm not gonna beg her to stay (no)
Cause I got my pride, I'm not gonna cry (cry)
There won't be no tears falling from these eyes
Don't need her to see, that it's killing me
So this is what I'll say

You don't have to worry about me
Girl, i'll be fine
You dont have to call me again
Girl, its alright
You dont have to ask me if i will be okay
Girl, i'll be fine
Girl, i'll be fine

You aint got to tell me that we can still be friends
You aint gotta make no excuses and pretend
Cause i'll be fine, said i'll be fine
Theres no need to call

It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x2)
It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x3)
 
now i cant believe, that i fell so deep
and i let my heart so open
now i gotta try, to keep it inside
these words, are better left unspoken

cause i still got my pride, im not gonna cry
there wont be no tears fallling from these eyes
dont need her to see
that its killing me
so this is what im saying

You don't have to worry about me
Girl, i'll be fine
You dont have to call me again
Girl, its alright
You dont have to ask me if i will be okay
Girl, i'll be fine
Girl, i'll be fine

You aint got to tell me that we can still be friends
You aint gotta make no excuses and pretend
Cause i'll be fine, said i'll be fine
Theres no need to call

It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x2)
It's better if we don't speak at all, all, all (at all, all, all x3)

girl i'll be fine (said i'll be fine)
theres no need to call
its better if we dont speak at all

Empty Basket

Back when I was a kid I had the most exhilarating life. Back then, I still had my dad, I still had one of my awesome uncles. He’s not really my uncle but our families are close up to the point we’re close enough for me to call him uncle.

So back then when I still had a family, every summer we would go to the beach and dig for pippis. Every summer we would go to theme parks, adventure parks and go to all you can eat every week or two. My own family, we would go for a movie every now and then. Those times where we have to go home because my sister and I fall asleep halfway through the movie.

Those were the best times of my life. We were all so happy. We were all so close. It was perfect.

Until…

High school. When I entered high school, I thought my life was just getting started. I was wrong. It was the end. My first year of high school, it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t get my head dunked in the toilet so that’s a thumbs up.

It was all good until the end of my first year. My family and I went over to Vietnam for a family vacation and to see my grandparents on my mum’s side for the first time. Some things occurred and mum cried and I was like “what the fuck?”

I was only twelve. I had no idea what was going on. I mean come on, I spent my vacation running around catching dragonflies and pulling them apart by their wings. Yeah I was an evil kid. Less now but still evil.

When I came back home and entered my second year of high school. That was when everything went down a steep hill. Dad left for a week, came back for couple weeks, then left forever. Up until this day I only see him once a week.

About a year after my dad left us, my awesome uncle lost his life. I dint believe until I went over to his house. I saw my aunty cry her eyes out. My girl cousin not being able to hold in her tears. My guy cousin who is younger than me by a day trying to hold in his tears. I just couldn’t believe it. Even at the age of 14 if my memory is correct, I still didn’t have an understand of the situations around me.

My mum, sister and I came to their house for every day for as long as the tears were coming out. Us kids played hide and seek in the streets which was fun because it took the situation off our kiddy minds.

Soon after mum and dad got a divorce and mum and other aunty had an argument and didn’t talk for god knows how long. That was the when I had just had enough of life.

Even with all the shit I went through, for some reason, I just didn’t show it when I was at school. I never showed anyone how I really feel about the things in my life. It was a distraction to be at school with all my friends.

Just a year ago was my brother’s wedding. It brought EVERYONE together. My grandma who mum didn’t talk to for ten years, my aunty who mum had an argument with, relative who I had never seen before or haven’t seen in a while.

Everyone, but dad.

Even when I was 16 I still had no clue on life. Now I’m almost 18 and I still don’t know what’s going on. I blame high school. I hate high school. I hate it because it took EVERYTHING away from me. It took something that was part of me and it killed the kid inside.

But when it comes down to it, I shouldn’t be blaming high school, I shouldn’t be hating it. Its reality that I should hate and blame. Its life that sucks. Its part of growing up. But is it really? Having things taken away from you? Is that what life is? Is it supposed to get worse every year?

You tell me.

I’m done with my years of high school. My last exam will come and that will be the end. Life as it is will be taken away from me. Reality will take my friends away from me and I will probably only see one or two now and then.

You know what this means? I. Have. Nothing. NOTHING.

Oh and another thing. My brother was taken away from me and so was my sister in-law. Stupid really, mum’s fault really. She was JUST being HER. Argument. Brother and sister in-law, gone. Haven’t seen them or talked to them for god knows how long.

I HAVE NOTHING!! WHAT’S THE POINT IN LIFE IF YOU HAVE NOTHING?!!?! ITS NOT FAIR, WHY MUST I GO THROUGH THIS?!?!?!!

Its not fair…

I'm Ted

I don’t get it. When ever something goes good for you, something bad happens to others around you. When something bad happens to you, everybody is out there having the time of their lives.

Do you ever ask yourself; What kind of person are you really? Do you ask that? The answer is clear. I don’t know. Some say I’m the good guy in the story. Others see me as the evil one, which is apparently a good thing because it suits me.

I’m sort of someone who hopes too much. I read too many stories. I watch too many movies. I wish too much and I dream way too much. Fantasy, that’s what I believe I am living in. I’m a big fantasist or how others put it, a hopeless romantic.

Indeed I am.

Why is there such a big difference between primary and high school for me? Back then, I hated the fact that I was always chased during our tiggy games. I had always out run them. Is that why? Is it because I didn’t want to be chased in primary that’s why I had no one to chase me in high school? Tiggy in high school, such fun memories. I can relate my fantasy world to the game tiggy.

In primary, I was hardly “it”. I was always the one who had to run away from those who chased me. I ran so fast, they just gave up. They never even gave it their best shot.

In high school, for some reason I was always “it”. If I wasn’t “it” then I’d be sitting around, waiting to be chased. Those who were “it” never even saw me, they ran right past me.

I hated it, I hated chasing, I hated being not seen. I hated high school. Those days, I remember the first guy I chased for an entire half year or more. I ran around the school just so I can see him. I walked his path just so I can stare dreamily at his back.

I guess he didn’t like the game of tiggy.

That was a big mistake. A mistake I made even though I knew it was a mistake. After all you wouldn’t know it’s a mistake unless you make the mistake that way you’ll know that you made a mistake.

TED: No it’s not an adventure it’s a mistake.

LILY: Okay yes, it’s a mistake. I know it’s a mistake but there’s certain things in life where you know it’s a mistake but you really don’t know that it’s a mistake because the only way to know that it’s a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say ‘yupp, that was a mistake’ so really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you’d go your whole life not really knowing whether something is a mistake or not and dammit I’ve made no mistakes. I’ve done all of this, my life, my relationship, my career, mistake free. Does any of this made sense to you?

TED: I don’t know, you said mistake a lot.

TED: It’s a mistake I’m gonna make.

The pain to believe through memories

There are many ways to remember if something was real or not. There are many ways that doesn’t include tears and pain. If so, then why do I feel this hurt? Why must it be that the only way for me to believe that it was real is to feel the pain I had felt and to cry the tears I’ve cried?

Is it not hard enough to think back about the thoughts? Must I cry every time because it wasn’t something I wanted? Nothing ever goes according to what you plan so why do I plan things? This world is such a crazed and messed up world consisting of crazed and messed up people.

Ever since I could remember, I had always wanted to live with the family I was born into and be happy. I had always wanted them to be around and never leave my side. That was what I had planned, for my family to be together forever. My plan failed soon after.

Arguments within the family caused mayhem. I was only a child and I had no idea what was going on at the time. But little did I know there was a thought inside of me which knew exactly why the arguments were occurring. Now that I think about it, it makes me that child once again who had cried because I did not know what I was supposed to do and so the me now cries as well.

Soon after I tried to not plan anything because one, I was just a child and two, I hated plans. I hate myself in that sense because I too was unplanned. If I was planned then sure, maybe MY plans would work out. That’s clearly not the case.

What happened back then was history, tomorrow is indeed a mystery even though I plan to go out and then to the school. But what occurs in my path as I’m going to those places is indeed the mysterious part. Who knows, I might run into an old friend, or even into a bus. Today is the gift, that is why it is called the present.

I’m not too sure whether or not that’s a good thing. A gift. What’s so good about a gift if it doesn’t make you happy?

I don’t need gifts nor do I need surprises. The only thing I need is your love, your care, your existence and your smile. That’s the only thing I need to keep breathing and so if you’re happy then so am I.

I just don’t want that day to come where you would have to leave because I do not want to see anyone so close to me leave like that. If anything I would rather not know you then see you leave.

I’ve witnessed so many leaves in my life that I’ve come to a decision that I will be the one who will leave before I am left. It’s not easy to do as it is easy to say.

Sure many confusions and troubles have happened between the two of us but we can work it out like how it’s supposed to be. Its life, its reality, it’s not fair but you can’t let that pull you down.

As long as you’re willing to fix the problems then who’s to say you can’t go back?

Just remember one thing. For me, it’s the tears and pain that makes me believe all of these things had happened for a reason.