Reading old posts makes me think about the old things. If I say one thing and the following months after I do the complete opposite...what does it make me?
If I do something bad does it make me a bad person?
If I do something wrong does it mean I will always do something wrong?
Are people that judgemental to not be able to see past the crap?
I wanted to be serious, I really did. But what I did wasn't serious. What I did had caused so many dilemmas and even at this point in time I wish things had gone differently. There's never a moment where I can just stop and take the time to know someone, that time was all in high school but the things in high school doesn't really count because it was just fun and games.
I'm much older now and I should know what's right and wrong but I don't...its not that I regret this but I wish there was a time where it would've been perfect for it. Everything was rushed. We didn't think of the buts and the whys...we just went for it and now we have to suffer with the fact that things didn't go according to plan.
I can't deal with confrontation but I confront people. I guess its just me then...I can't deal with it but I do any way because I can't run away. I stand my ground and do what has to be done. I am this girl, I'm the kind of girl who takes responsibility and do what is right for herself and I also look out for those around me.
I guess we all come to a stage in life where we have no idea about what it is that we're doing. If I do meet this girl what will happen? I should be up set shouldn't I? I should feel uncomfortable. Wasn't that one of the things you were worried about when we first started? That if she came back your feelings could change? What's stopping that from happening? Even if you have me, feelings can divert because you both have unresolved issues and it has nothing to do with me. Just because I'm yours doesn't mean anything when it comes to past issues. Yeah it will affect me and put me down a bit but there's nothing I can do about it.
In the end you both were once best friends and as much as it hurts me to see you two talk or have an unresolved dilemma, there isn't anything I can do about it. It kills me to see you unhappy about her, it makes me feel like shit because you don't know what to do either. I know that you can see it the more I try to hide it.
I know I don't think about things. I know I'm careless about most things that occur around me. I'm completely oblivious to it and I know that you want me to be more responsible. I'm still young but that can't be an excuse...I know that I have to be the adult here. It's my life and because you're part of it, the things that I choose to do will be for our life together.
I know it's early, much too early but it's been a month. A whole month. I know right...at the same time it feels like its been longer but already a month. I can't always look to you when something goes wrong, we can't have that kind of relationship because it won't be good for any of us. I have to know to think for myself when shit gets hard and its not something I do very often therefore its time to start.
Exams are coming up soon and I have been so oblivious to it, I'm going to be in so much shit for this T___________T
That's what happens when you get into a relationship...not that I don't want to be but I must work harder if I want all of this.
Yours, Alice ~~
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