The pain to believe through memories

There are many ways to remember if something was real or not. There are many ways that doesn’t include tears and pain. If so, then why do I feel this hurt? Why must it be that the only way for me to believe that it was real is to feel the pain I had felt and to cry the tears I’ve cried?

Is it not hard enough to think back about the thoughts? Must I cry every time because it wasn’t something I wanted? Nothing ever goes according to what you plan so why do I plan things? This world is such a crazed and messed up world consisting of crazed and messed up people.

Ever since I could remember, I had always wanted to live with the family I was born into and be happy. I had always wanted them to be around and never leave my side. That was what I had planned, for my family to be together forever. My plan failed soon after.

Arguments within the family caused mayhem. I was only a child and I had no idea what was going on at the time. But little did I know there was a thought inside of me which knew exactly why the arguments were occurring. Now that I think about it, it makes me that child once again who had cried because I did not know what I was supposed to do and so the me now cries as well.

Soon after I tried to not plan anything because one, I was just a child and two, I hated plans. I hate myself in that sense because I too was unplanned. If I was planned then sure, maybe MY plans would work out. That’s clearly not the case.

What happened back then was history, tomorrow is indeed a mystery even though I plan to go out and then to the school. But what occurs in my path as I’m going to those places is indeed the mysterious part. Who knows, I might run into an old friend, or even into a bus. Today is the gift, that is why it is called the present.

I’m not too sure whether or not that’s a good thing. A gift. What’s so good about a gift if it doesn’t make you happy?

I don’t need gifts nor do I need surprises. The only thing I need is your love, your care, your existence and your smile. That’s the only thing I need to keep breathing and so if you’re happy then so am I.

I just don’t want that day to come where you would have to leave because I do not want to see anyone so close to me leave like that. If anything I would rather not know you then see you leave.

I’ve witnessed so many leaves in my life that I’ve come to a decision that I will be the one who will leave before I am left. It’s not easy to do as it is easy to say.

Sure many confusions and troubles have happened between the two of us but we can work it out like how it’s supposed to be. Its life, its reality, it’s not fair but you can’t let that pull you down.

As long as you’re willing to fix the problems then who’s to say you can’t go back?

Just remember one thing. For me, it’s the tears and pain that makes me believe all of these things had happened for a reason.

Year TWELVE!!!

Have you ever thought back to memories that were so happy that you laugh at the memory itself? It is now the last two weeks of year twelve classes and it’s basically filled with study, study, practice exams, study and more practice exams. This is the time to be getting your mind straight to focus because the only person that you have to blame when you get a shit score is yourself. Even I’m forcing myself to do work man and I’m kinder freaked out by it. XD

So back to the memories, photos normally bring back memories but its not just photos. Notes and sayings, places and thoughts. Just before I was thinking back to a photo with someone and wondered if I still had it. So I racked out my files and found the folder of the Year Twelve Study Camp at the start of the year.

I found the photo, smiled at it and decided to go through the entire folder. Even though the camp was only two days, not even, it was pretty fun and there were many new experiences.

At the start of year twelve we thought that it was going to be the worse year of our lives. It’s true. But then the past year twelves came in and told us that it will be the best year of our lives. At the time we were thinking “What the hell are you talking about? Its year TWELVE!” but its true, it is the best year.

Indeed it is filled with study, study and more study but you also have fun at the same time. This only goes for those who balance out study and relaxation time.

There is so much to look forward to at this moment. The last day of school where you run around and no work is done, signing shirts, taking photos and tears with everyone around you.

After that is MUCK UP day where you can come as what ever the hell you want and mess up each other with cream, eggs, get soaked from head to toe. There’s also the whole school assembly where there’s announcements, music and you get to sit at the front looking out of place due to the costumes.

The following Monday is awards night which is GRADUATION!!! Graduation is a formal event where we have to dress nicely and get our gowns on and our diplomas I think? O_O

Then a few days later is our FIRST exam which is ENGLISH followed by the rest of the exams. Exams go for three weeks and after that is FORMAL!

After that you’re done and wait for the results which is daunting.

Another thing that’s daunting, the thunder and rain at this moment. T_________________T