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Back when I was a kid I had the most exhilarating life. Back then, I still had my dad, I still had one of my awesome uncles. He’s not really my uncle but our families are close up to the point we’re close enough for me to call him uncle.

So back then when I still had a family, every summer we would go to the beach and dig for pippis. Every summer we would go to theme parks, adventure parks and go to all you can eat every week or two. My own family, we would go for a movie every now and then. Those times where we have to go home because my sister and I fall asleep halfway through the movie.

Those were the best times of my life. We were all so happy. We were all so close. It was perfect.

Until…

High school. When I entered high school, I thought my life was just getting started. I was wrong. It was the end. My first year of high school, it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t get my head dunked in the toilet so that’s a thumbs up.

It was all good until the end of my first year. My family and I went over to Vietnam for a family vacation and to see my grandparents on my mum’s side for the first time. Some things occurred and mum cried and I was like “what the fuck?”

I was only twelve. I had no idea what was going on. I mean come on, I spent my vacation running around catching dragonflies and pulling them apart by their wings. Yeah I was an evil kid. Less now but still evil.

When I came back home and entered my second year of high school. That was when everything went down a steep hill. Dad left for a week, came back for couple weeks, then left forever. Up until this day I only see him once a week.

About a year after my dad left us, my awesome uncle lost his life. I dint believe until I went over to his house. I saw my aunty cry her eyes out. My girl cousin not being able to hold in her tears. My guy cousin who is younger than me by a day trying to hold in his tears. I just couldn’t believe it. Even at the age of 14 if my memory is correct, I still didn’t have an understand of the situations around me.

My mum, sister and I came to their house for every day for as long as the tears were coming out. Us kids played hide and seek in the streets which was fun because it took the situation off our kiddy minds.

Soon after mum and dad got a divorce and mum and other aunty had an argument and didn’t talk for god knows how long. That was the when I had just had enough of life.

Even with all the shit I went through, for some reason, I just didn’t show it when I was at school. I never showed anyone how I really feel about the things in my life. It was a distraction to be at school with all my friends.

Just a year ago was my brother’s wedding. It brought EVERYONE together. My grandma who mum didn’t talk to for ten years, my aunty who mum had an argument with, relative who I had never seen before or haven’t seen in a while.

Everyone, but dad.

Even when I was 16 I still had no clue on life. Now I’m almost 18 and I still don’t know what’s going on. I blame high school. I hate high school. I hate it because it took EVERYTHING away from me. It took something that was part of me and it killed the kid inside.

But when it comes down to it, I shouldn’t be blaming high school, I shouldn’t be hating it. Its reality that I should hate and blame. Its life that sucks. Its part of growing up. But is it really? Having things taken away from you? Is that what life is? Is it supposed to get worse every year?

You tell me.

I’m done with my years of high school. My last exam will come and that will be the end. Life as it is will be taken away from me. Reality will take my friends away from me and I will probably only see one or two now and then.

You know what this means? I. Have. Nothing. NOTHING.

Oh and another thing. My brother was taken away from me and so was my sister in-law. Stupid really, mum’s fault really. She was JUST being HER. Argument. Brother and sister in-law, gone. Haven’t seen them or talked to them for god knows how long.

I HAVE NOTHING!! WHAT’S THE POINT IN LIFE IF YOU HAVE NOTHING?!!?! ITS NOT FAIR, WHY MUST I GO THROUGH THIS?!?!?!!

Its not fair…

The pain to believe through memories

There are many ways to remember if something was real or not. There are many ways that doesn’t include tears and pain. If so, then why do I feel this hurt? Why must it be that the only way for me to believe that it was real is to feel the pain I had felt and to cry the tears I’ve cried?

Is it not hard enough to think back about the thoughts? Must I cry every time because it wasn’t something I wanted? Nothing ever goes according to what you plan so why do I plan things? This world is such a crazed and messed up world consisting of crazed and messed up people.

Ever since I could remember, I had always wanted to live with the family I was born into and be happy. I had always wanted them to be around and never leave my side. That was what I had planned, for my family to be together forever. My plan failed soon after.

Arguments within the family caused mayhem. I was only a child and I had no idea what was going on at the time. But little did I know there was a thought inside of me which knew exactly why the arguments were occurring. Now that I think about it, it makes me that child once again who had cried because I did not know what I was supposed to do and so the me now cries as well.

Soon after I tried to not plan anything because one, I was just a child and two, I hated plans. I hate myself in that sense because I too was unplanned. If I was planned then sure, maybe MY plans would work out. That’s clearly not the case.

What happened back then was history, tomorrow is indeed a mystery even though I plan to go out and then to the school. But what occurs in my path as I’m going to those places is indeed the mysterious part. Who knows, I might run into an old friend, or even into a bus. Today is the gift, that is why it is called the present.

I’m not too sure whether or not that’s a good thing. A gift. What’s so good about a gift if it doesn’t make you happy?

I don’t need gifts nor do I need surprises. The only thing I need is your love, your care, your existence and your smile. That’s the only thing I need to keep breathing and so if you’re happy then so am I.

I just don’t want that day to come where you would have to leave because I do not want to see anyone so close to me leave like that. If anything I would rather not know you then see you leave.

I’ve witnessed so many leaves in my life that I’ve come to a decision that I will be the one who will leave before I am left. It’s not easy to do as it is easy to say.

Sure many confusions and troubles have happened between the two of us but we can work it out like how it’s supposed to be. Its life, its reality, it’s not fair but you can’t let that pull you down.

As long as you’re willing to fix the problems then who’s to say you can’t go back?

Just remember one thing. For me, it’s the tears and pain that makes me believe all of these things had happened for a reason.

Ruined my FKN DAY!

The only thing that can possibly make me this pissy would probably be the ‘family’. Yes I was out for the day and I was HOPING that when I come home there will be a nice family to talk to or even have then shut up so I can rest. No, that wasn’t the case however, what I got was the mother telling the sister about how the aunty was asking why the mother and the brother is still pissed at each other for the god damn stupidest thing! The mother then says ‘I’m the mother, do you actually think that I’ll be the one to say sorry?’

How god damn stubborn is that. If you ask me, the one who sees both sides of the god damn story, she SHOULD be the one saying sorry due to it was HER words that CAUSED THIS!!

See how bloody stubborn she is? I don’t understand why everyone in the ‘family’ is so damn stubborn. They don’t even admit that they’re stubborn and TRY to defend themselves by dumping the blame on others. By doing this only makes you more stubborn than you already are!!

I’ll admit that I’m not a stubborn person but there are times where I am. AT LEAST I FUCKING ADMIT IT YOU FUCKING STUBBORN ASSHOLES!!!!

See what I have to put up with for every single day of my life? Like I haven’t had enough of their bickering while I was growing up. This isn’t the time for me to be WORRYING about the god damn ‘family’!

Fuck sake!!!!!   >__<”

I feel as if I’m always alone at home. Even if mum’s home I feel as if I have no one around since she’s always in her room and I’m always in mine.

I get scold at for being myself, for saying things I normally say by my so called family. My grandma, who raised me for half my life scold at me for saying someone’s house is going to collapse because they built it themselves. I guess it’s a harsh thing to say but that’s me. You can’t blame me for being me.

If you’re going to be around me then accept me for who I am, don’t tell me to be what I’m suppose to be because I’ll disagree and most likely I will go pissy pants at you.

This isn’t the time to piss me off because this the most important time of my life of everyone who is at the same age and year as me. It’s important to not piss us off. if you’re going to support us then go ahead, but if you’re going to say something stupid or unsupportive then shut the hell up, we don’t want to hear it.

Having good connections with your family is important probably more important than the connections you have with your friends. But what sucks is that the connections you have with your friends are much more understandable then those with your family.

Friends understand what you’re going through because they too go through the same thing now and then. Family don’t understand at all and they yell at you for being you. Parents are so old school who think just because we’re girls we have to behave politely and be gentle. And they think just because you’re guys then you have to be a gentlemen who never raises your voice no matter what.

Well they can go live that way, we’ll live how ever the hell we want. This is the main reason as to why I want to live with my friends. Ever since I was in primary I had always wished that when I grow up I’ll live with my friends.

This post, I’m not sure what its aim is but I really want the parents and family to understand what it is that’s happening. I want them to realise that time has changed and so has the way of living. They can’t stay in the time that they were born in, they have to understand but I guess I can see that it won’t be happening any time soon so why do I bother?

The best thing happened today, well just before. I cooked for mum ROFL, its not that I never cook but before when I cooked the simplest dish and brought it up to her room on a tray. She laughed and was amazed. She was happy to see the food on a tray being brought to her.

That’s happiness right there. The happiness that I try to find in my family, to have them smile at the simplest things. I should be grateful for what I have left, I should make the most of it as I can because soon I will grow up and I will always be out at either work or school. I won’t have time for family. I can already see that my sister doesn’t have time for us, she’s always out and that’s another reason as to why I’m usually alone now days.

It’s good to have someone out there that you can talk to. I only have three, but one I hardly get to sit down with. So this post is here because there’s no one to talk to at the moment.

Sometimes talking to someone who has no idea what you’re going through is good because it makes you feel like a normal human being who is living a simple life.

I find myself living a way too simple life, that’s why I took up Taekwondo, to make it harder for me so I can focus on more things.

But then when I think about it, I have as much problems as any other person does, I guess my life ain’t that simple after all.

Its not my fault i always sound depressed. Im sure everyone has those days when they feel as if the world has pulled them down. Family, what is a family? Do i even have one? Have i ever? This isnt the first time that i've felt this way. i remember feeling like this when i was a kid. It was when my mum and grandma has a stupid argument. It cause them two to not talk for ten years. Up until last November, my brothers wedding, it had brought my so called family back together and mum and grandma started to talk again. Its a good thing though, but when theres something good that happens, theres always something that will go wrong.

Why is it that when youre the most happy when everyone has all this shit thrown at them? Why is it that I cannot do anything about it besides be there for them? Why is it that i cannot do anything about my own situation? Why is it that i ask questions that i know the answer to?

I may say that I can never seem to see myself happy, its true. I may look happy when i'm at school being around others and all. But when I'm alone and at home, thats the time that I feel as if what i really am has come out, but i guess that most of you out there feels the same way when youre alone.

Being alone is what i seem to be doing most of my days. In this house there were five of us. There was a family. But when i started highschool, it all came crashing down and it started to break. I didnt  know why it was all happening. I had thought that we were happy living together. But i had always been wrong. There was no longer love between my mum and dad. Actually, there was no love from my dad to my mum. That i could see when they talk, feel when they're apart.

Mum on the other hand, i can still see that she has some love for my dad. She holds on to someone who had cheated on her so many times. She holds on to someone who has left her alone. Why is it that i'm the only one who admits my feelings and let it out. Shes too stubborn to see how she feels and actually do it. Her stubbornness is the reason as to why my brother moved out after he got married.

My sister in-law and mum is the same. They both are stubborn and will not get along. The same with my mum and grandma. But really is that a valid reason to move out and never come home? I think not. In order for me to have a family, even if the family members dont get along, you stay and work things out. Thats what a family is. You have ups and downs, you go through it together. You dont run away from it. I surly dont, i stand my ground and fight for whats right, what i think is true. But my family, relatives, all they do is run and ignore the fact that something is wrong. Stupid stubborn people!

I havent said much about my sister have i? Well, ever since we were kids, she was always the one to pick on me. Every time i got bullied, i sat in a corner and brawled my eyes out. I never could said anything to fight for myself. Now look at me, i fight back the second someone says something. The relationship i have with my sister wasnt really good ever since we were kids. But when she Turned 18, it all went away. After she turned 18, we talk more and we understand each other. We look out for each other and sort of love each other. As corny as it may sound, its true. We all love our parents and siblings, we just dont admit it because we dont have to.

But ever since about less than a month ago, she found herself happiness, yes a boyfriend. He's pretty cool, hes not like those a**holes that you see. Although i only met him once and we didnt talk, but with how my sister tells me about him, he's pretty cool and caring and will be there. But nothing lasts. So ever since she found happiness, she's always out and we hardly talk much. I know this is part of growing up but at least know your limits. And at least know what you left behind when you walk out that door to go out.

Im lucky to come out to the world last out of my siblings. I get to see the good and bad side of it and i learn from their mistakes or choices. I try and not do what they do to and be there for mum. Mum really does get pissed off easily, like me but her anger stays for awhile as for me it goes away after few minutes. Mum works hard for the three of us and she gets tired easily. So maybe i should do what she tells me to do and not complain. I want to help her as much as i can before i too will grow up in my own way.

I shall do my best ;D, Minniie