Two Years Later

It's amazing how time changes things. One moment you find someone to mean the world to you and in the following year they become a complete stranger that you would not think twice about.
Because every memory about that person just pisses you off because they were just so god damn pathetic. 
What he did was right in his mind. What everyone else saw just made him look like an asshole who bullies the one they're with.
Of course I never noticed because I was an idiot but now that I'm standing on the outside looking in I had let the one that supposedly love me bully me for the whole two years that we were together.
Right from the beginning we weren't meant to be. But the twenty year old me was just so fascinated by something new. I would very much like to roundhouse kick her in the head. But then again I wouldn't have met all the new friends that I now have.
So there are some good causes from a fkd up relationship.

As for the friendships that you now have what will become of them? Time does changes things. whether it's five days, five weeks or even five months. So much and yet so little can change. Its whether or not you let it change and if they do change will you adapt to it? 
The strongest survivor of events is the one that is able to adapt to change.

It's amazing how one thing can lead to the next. It's amazing how things change whether it's good or bad.

So within the past four months two long term relationships ended, friendships were made better and closer, decisions for self development was made, Canada was visited, attraction was felt and moves were made.

But that's life for you. Things change and you adapt. If nothing changes and you want them to then you have to put in effort for change to occur. Events of change or no change can have a big pull on a person. But there is always someone for you to reach out to. You're not alone, and you definitely don't have to fight on your own. Just don't let the negative side of things pull you down.
There is always happiness around the corner. To achieve that happiness you have to keep going to get to that corner.

Don't give up, never give up on your own happiness. 

Only you can truly make yourself happy.

This last weekend i had gone to Adelaide to visit some of my family members as well as get away from what i had in Melbourne. But being away from everything in Melbourne made me realise how accidental my life has been. Right from the beginning i was not meant to be on this earth and even until now there are times where i would ask what would have happened if i never existed?

Family. People say you can never turn your back on them no matter what. But because I was brought into this world I was able to see what family really is. Its complete shit that's what it is.

Having a loving family with your own kids to love isn't enough for you is it? Having to go here and there to find sleezy bone bags to rub up against is what made you happy. Betting on what you had in your pocket to the point of pink slipping the house your kids lived in just so you could win what? tell what you could have won that made you bet our lives. In the end what did you lose? A family that had always had your back, parents that stood up for you when you made bad choices, siblings that were always there for you and your very own children that would love you no matter where you were.

No, you chose to leave. You think she had a choice? No one during that day and age had a choice to be married off into a big family. She went through hell serving as a bride in your family and did you ever hear her complain? did you ever hear her complain when you turned your back on her and almost choosing a bag of bones over her and your family? No, she stuck with you til the very end. No matter how bad the situation got for her it was because of us that she had gone through hell. Seeing the man she loved walk away from her so many darn times and she still held on because we were still so young. 

It's been almost a decade now since she finally let go. Its been almost a decade and not a day goes by that I wish i had no family. There are certain people out there who don't have a family and wish for one. I on the other hand have been through enough; bullied by siblings, hated by grandma growing up, not wanted when the news came that i was created, and being brought into the world anyway because it was the right thing to do.

Yes you loved us, everyday you showed us that you had loved us. Up until that day where we had received a call from you saying that we need to take care of ourselves. How was a 13 and 15 year old supposed to take care of themselves? its just too cruel, and to think you loved us. Why would you leave if you did love us...?



So now when it is my turn to love it scares me....it scares me because if the man that brought me into this world left me would my heart one day be torn out and ripped to shreds and be left in the gutter some where? I hope not...some say I'm an idiot for loving too much... 
But if you don't love again you will never be healed...So long as you prepare yourself if you are ever to be walked out on again you will know what to do, you will have a plan to be independent and pull yourself back up.

I am who I am now because of what I had gone through in the past twenty years. Certain things made me the girl I am today and certain people had effected me. I wouldn't be the defensive girl I am today if i wasn't walked out on. I wouldn't be to bad tempered if my mother wasn't put through hell. And if i wasn't brought into this world I wouldn't be able to love the one I love now and learn what i have learnt from him.
I really am grateful for meeting you, it was accidental but like i said my life was an accident. And what happened after we meant was on purpose. 

I do try to be a better me, just give me time...

Alice~

2013

This year has gone by so fast. So much has happened, so many things ended and so many new things started.

I can actually stand up and say that i am not the same person i was a year ago. I would never imagine myself in the position that i am now. I wish i could say that i am happy for myself.

But i am now in a seven month relationship which is going quite well and i can only hope that it will add more months to it. I have started a new job and have only been working for eight weeks and already I've gotten a promotion to become a store manager. Which means I wont be having much spare time for the first few months and so I really need to take better care of myself. My health, when i eat and most of all my skin.

It's difficult to keep nice skin when you're constantly working and stressing but i find that you just need a facial once a week whether if its just a simple face scrub or a long hour of face massage. But its going to be hard enough having the time to do the simple things.

All in all life comes and goes and whether you've been kicked down or pushed around what matters is getting back up and living your life.

Take life seriously for a change. 

Yours, Alice~

What is the perfect couple? How will you even know? when you meet someone how do you know that they are the one meant for you? you don't...you can only hope that one day you will find your self saying those vowels to that someone like how you see in every wedding movie.
You live your life based on hope, trust and strength. Hope that you will find a soul mate, trust yourself that you will do great with the strength that allows you to stand up.
But back to the point...what is the perfect couple?
Almost all of our parents have had arranged marrieds. Some turned out very well and others not so great. But what i believe is that any two people can come together and share a life together. But of course they would have to match as well based on chemistry and connection physically and spiritually. Okay so not every random people can come together. Forget what I said.
Its difficult to say or even think of where you might be in five years because at that age you would be thinking of getting married. Its normal for a girl to think about her future with the one she's with but when a guy does it, its different, its serious and he is damn certain that he wants to spend the rest of his life with this girl.
But the perfect couple....
....I don't really know. Growing up the display of couples were never really perfect as I am looking for, the couples that i have seen had always fought and broken up and my parents are a clear example of that. So it worries me when it comes to happily ever after. I still cant trust myself, and after so many months now I still lack self confidence. Its really bad because how can i love someone when i cant love myself?
I still find it hard to say I love you to him even though I've said it before. Its probably because he hasn't said it back yet...I don't know when it will be but according to him he doesn't need to say it because I should already know from his actions. But even so I just want to hear it once for the first time. Maybe that is the key to put my heart and mind at ease with my worries...

but for now i can only take things one day at a time...and hope i won't be disappointed...

Don't prove my judgement wrong...~Alice~

I look down on you from above~

Certain things in life are difficult, certain challenges come your way to test how strong you are, how far you would go and how long you will fight. But then there are certain things that are just complete unnecessary.

When I brought the two of you together I did it because I had reason behind it, good reason; but certain decisions that the two of you make after I let go of your hands causes me to wonder if it will work out between the two of you. This life you cannot live as an individual, you must live as a pair, a pair that I have made for you. Why is it that this commitment you have towards each other isn’t strong enough to hold your curiosity back? Why does it still allow you to look at other people when its clear that you have the one that’s meant for you right before your eyes?

Its unnecessary to have anyone else but the one that holds your heart in your eyes. You mustn’t look at anyone else in that way and have any opinion about them. Isn’t it enough to just have that one special person? I know how she feels about you and there are times where you are reluctant to accept her feelings and return it. Why must you hurt her the way you hurt yourself? Why must she go through so much just to be with you? I had brought the two of you together so that it would benefit both of you, but right now all it seems is that you love him much more then you should because it is clear that he does not value your love as much as you want him to.

If the two of you really do value what I gave you then you wouldn’t even think of other people. You wouldn’t look at other people and you sure as hell wouldn’t lead them on like the way you have. I am ashamed of what I have seen and I can only hope that one day the two of you will only look at each other and realise that you’ve only ever needed each other and no one else matters.

You really do love him don’t you? I’ve seen what you had done for him, I’ve seen what you gave up for him. But I can’t make him see that. And I cannot make him be something he’s not. I can’t take his bad habits away, it is up to the two of you to work it out. If it hurts you that much then tell him. Tell him that its unnecessary because to you he is the only one you need. But that puts you in a vulnerable spot where your heart can easily be ripped to shreds by the way he is.

She loves you, why can’t you see that what you do hurts her? When will you stop with your childish acts and accept her heart for who she is and only have her in your eyes?

I can only watch over the two of you now, there isn’t much that I can do…

JC~G

What is the worse events you've experienced? a loved one passing, having to leave this earth, leaving everyone behind. How deep did it cut you? was it deep enough to scar you for life? making you curl up in a corner not knowing what to do or say, its life. How long did it take you to recover? Up until now I still haven't fully recovered because i still cannot accept that she is gone. Did you change after experiencing it?

Have faith in the stars above..

What is it like to grow up in a world on your own? To have to make the difficult decisions in life on your own and having to face the hardest times on your own, how does it feel?

And when you grow old and wise because of what you had to go through would you help others? Would you guide them in what is best and why? Yes, you would.

But what if they’re not ready for all the change? What if they’re still just too young? It would be really good for everyone or most people to realise certain things sooner because it will help them later in life but what if they’re not ready even though they are desperately in need of change?

As you grow up and grow older you start to notice what is more important. Yes at a certain age you think one thing is important but when you grow older that certain thing that is important might change to something complete opposite. Its normal for your mind to change and its normal for you to be afraid because change can be very nerve wrecking.

Growing up Alice had always believed in fairytales. All the stories that she’s heard, all the happy endings in movies, that’s what she had grown up with. So as she is only twenty she feels that love is all you need. If you have love then anything is possible, love will solve any issue that comes her way. But wanting to change to be a better person she has no choice but to learn it the hard way, to be pushed by the one she loves and having to cry every time she feels as if she isn’t improving when in reality she is slowing becoming better.

Having to be pushed so that she would learn she realises that there is so much more to life then just surviving. You require good compatibility with those around you and when in a relationship commitment is not enough. You must have the same goals and only time will tell whether the two is compatible.

Alice is easily persuaded but she loves with all of her heart. No matter what she does if she has her mind set on it then she will do it with all her heart.

She is young and I know that you want her to be sure of her choices in life and find herself but give her time and support her, you can see that she is slowly getting better and she is realising more and more every time. All I ask is that you love her and care for her, but at the end of the day the choice is up to you. No matter how much she loves you and no matter how much more she does for you then you do for her, she will do so much for you because she loves you. Love might not be at the top of your ‘what matters’ list but it is on top of hers. Try to understand that she cannot let go of it so easily.

~May.