Complete Happiness

It's been so long I know... its just that I've been writing on paper more so than blogs. Where do i even start...in the past three months so much has occured. one i could not do anything to stop and another that i had every control over.
Life and death comes and goes as soon as you blink, theres no stopping it... even now i cannot accept the fact that she's gone. Her presence still lingers around but everytime that i go to her house, grandpa is still there but he's getting old and his memory is slowing fading as we speak. i still look around for grandma but i know that shes gone. but i still cant help but look around for her. she left so many people behind, everyone was so used to having her around and she will be missed greatly. it still hasnt hit me yet but when it doesn i will break down to the ground where nothing can get me back up.
Thats the person that i am, i say that i can never get up but i know for a fact that im one of the strongest person i know. up until this point in life ive been stupid. ive made stupid mistakes that hurt those who have been innocent around me and it eats me up inside knowing that i did such thing.
I wish i hadnt ended things with Jimmy that day. I wish i hadnt chosen the home wrecker over what i already had. i was stupid and now, its going to be hard to get everyones trust back. those who are close to be doubt me, even my family doubt me with how Jimmy and I are back together. He's the only person that i had tried to stay with. the things i did to get him back...youd call me a stalker but when you love someone and want to be with them then you'd go to that kind of extent.
When you find that certain someone never let them go. I did that stupidly and only then I had realised that i had lost everything. So in persuit to get it back i ran after him one night but didnt catch him, every night for a whole week i cried over what we had because there was no such thing of it during those nights. few nights i had waited at his house but he never showed, one night he did but then i panicked and ran.
The following wednesday i pulled all the courage i had and spoke to him. i didnt know how to start it even though i had repeated it over and over to myself. but then after a short while i managed to tell him. i told him how i had missed him, i had missed what we had and how we were. that i had missed us. everytime you have him in your arm, everytime that youre in his, its one of the best comfort feelings in the world.

when you're in love, for a guy it shows in his eyes, for a girl it shows in her smile.

this time round im holding on, i will not be letting anyone come in between us. any thing like that occuring they're asking for a kick in the nuts. im dead set sure that Jimmy is the only person i want to be with. yeah we're young but when you find that speacial someone youll know what i'm talking about.
i see it with my best friend and her boy friend. at some stages everytime i look at them it makes my relationship feel like shit. im not comparing relationships but its a good feeling to see others be in love. same with my sister and her boyfriend. they're the two main relations that i get to see love occur because i never got to see it from my parents.

Oh and today during taekwon-do we were practicing our self defence and i dropped Jimmy pretty hard...

Just thought I put it out there for a laugh. I love him and nothing else matters.

Yours Alice ~

Drunk dial

Once upon a time, there lived the two most perfect couple. This was perfect because they didn’t know, how much they were meant to be together. It took a few years for them to see what they needed. And it was each other. Both of them did horrid things but then in the end they couldn’t help them selves, they still found a way to speak to one another. Every time she missed him, she went looking but never found him. He was always out and she was always in. they never crossed paths, they never met the real us.

After what happened, he said that you shouldn’t rush into things. But how can you wait when they’re right in front of you? How can you not just run up to them and wrap your arms tightly around them? From the point of view from the bunny I patted today, the two should really give it a chance and a chance to make it work.

I guess they both rushed into things. Never really spoke about it clearly and seriously.

Give us a chance, if it doesn’t work out in the end then fine but at least we know that we gave it shot. If you say that we did then you’re either stupid or in denial, second one sounds more suitable. What happened in the past weren’t chances, they were stupid choices and mistakes. Giving chances meaning taking the chance and giving it all you got. After all what’s life without going for the leap?

Some say he doesn’t care about her, but clearly she still does. Why can’t the two just cross paths, meet at a certain turn and just stare at each other and smile, talk and give it ago. If only one of them would drunk dial the other. So much easier, at least something starts.

From what I see the two can only be themselves around each other. Right now none of them are themselves. Mainly because she’s not in the right environment and is not surrounded by the people she loves and because he had nothing better to do then go out every weekend to drink. They need each other for life to be fine. But they can’t just simply start as if nothing ever happened…She probably needs him more then he cares about her…She just doesn’t give up…She wants to be with him and actually have him trust her. They want to trust each other as well as themselves. Because every time they put their trust in the other, that other shows them why they shouldn’t have trusted them.

It's 2.30 in the morning, I should hit the ZZz'z Goodnight my perfect couple.

DnM

When people ask “did you just do that?” I say “do what?” the thing is, why would I want people to know what I can do? its mine and I don’t want people to judge me and be afraid of me anymore then they already are.

When they ask that question I think back to the beginning when I realised I was different. Up until nine years old I was always told what to do and my choices were made for me. yeah I was a kid and that’s how its supposed to be but who says? Who said I couldn’t speak up and tell them what I was really thinking?

I didn’t want them to be living my life. I didn’t want them telling me what to do and I definitely didn’t want them making choices for me when I wouldn’t even go near the choices that were laid out for me.

That’s why I now live alone, the only person who sincerely cares for me is always looking at me as if they’re waiting for a truck to be running at me so they can push me out of the way. Even they can’t tell me what to do because they know better. They know why I chose the life I am now living, and as long as I have them around, I’m happy. The people who had lived my life for me, lets just say I havent seen of heard from them in god knows how long. Why would i? I don’t want to.

This thing I have, would you really call it a gift? Towards others, is it real or are they seeing things? Only I can tell them, but why would I? why would I let them know what I have? So they can find holes and use myself against me? fuck no. go find your own weapon.

D had always told me to never give up trying. Ever since I ran into him, literally, he pulled me up on my feet and asked what was wrong. I couldn’t tell him, I didn’t know how. I just found out what I had and I didn’t know how to explain it. up until now ten years, he still doesn’t have a clue as to what it is that had caused us to live the way we do. he works on cars, I wait tables at a café his friend owns. Anybody who tries and lay a hand on me will be sent across the room, either by me or D.

I hated it when D always did my dirty work for me. he knew I liked using what I had and so he didn’t want to have me use it all the time so he steps in. in a way its like living my life but he’s only doing it for my own good. What I have, I guess you can call it strength, strength that pushes others away and throws people across the room. Go figure, you’ll never get it so give up now.

So the reason as to why D is alone, I too never found out why. I guess its better living like how we are. Soon we’ll find out, we know each other pretty well. D hates it when I finish the car though. But I only do it when it steps in my life.

At least I get to drive. Stay off the road.

JUST DROP A HORSE...

Wrong or Right Call?

I’ve been writing a short story, it hasn’t been finished but it starts off with me telling the readers as to how one wrong call had changed the main character’s life.

The point is, one call can change a lot. Sometimes for the best, some for the worst. It depends on what the caller says. In the story’s situation, it changed for the worst.

Mia, the main character, doesn’t regret picking up that phone call even though the number was unknown to her. She was bored I guess.

If you understand what this means then give it a go. Eric, the guy who had caught her eye in a bad way told her he was sorry for ruining her car, he just had to be her driver until her car got fixed which meant they spent a lot of time together. Not in that way. Running and scream more so.

It’s just when you heard the sound of your phone, you run to it. When you see the caller ID, you contemplate on whether to answer or not. Well for me if I hate someone then I’d pick up and give them shit right there and then without saying hello. If not it’ll be the traditional “hello” or “what’s up?”

As for Mia, she had always answered Eric’s calls with “What the hell do you want?!” they argued a lot, but hey, you fight with the one you care for.

Yeah right, it’s all bullshit.

It’s like saying its good luck to get shitted on by a bird. The one who made that up was so that they could feel better about the fact that they got shit on them.

Well got work tmr, well for almost the whole week. Only got two days off which I’m gonna spend with the family or buying stuff for school. T___________T

Hey Mi-Space!

What would you say if I said that I didn’t want to remember? What if I just wanted to forget that it all had never happened? Will I feel better then? Because I would know that I went through that certain time without having to feel such horrid emotions?

Oh well, at least I’m around people now, that’s a plus ever since I last wrote or thought. I’m working now and the place I work, it’s great and I love it there. The people make me roll on the floor with laughter and I just can’t get enough of them. At least I fit in, unlike some place that’s filled with you know what.

They have a nick name for me, Mi-Space, pronounced Myspace, duh. Any who, it makes it all worth while because I actually learn and have fun. It feels as if it’s been ages since I interacted with people who laugh and has a sense of humour, some of the people that I was always around with has no sense of humour and are slightly anti social. Can’t blame them for who they are.

But its so good to be out of the house and with people, new people that I fit in with and laugh with, this is awesome. So called life has just begun.

Oh and my fish Cookie died. I said if Pudding lived through the night then I’ll change the water tmr hahah.

May's still awake

I'm up at four thirty in the morning and my eyes are wide awake. after the day that i had, i should be dead tired but im just not.
i have a problem and i claim its because i havent been around people much. it could be different but i dont know what the real reason is.
im insane and its pretty bad. i feel as if im developing something thats not even close to but it feels as if i am. i just need a friend to talk to, go out with, be distracted by. being alone seriously kills me. all i need is a stranger i can talk to.
it would actually be nice to talk to someone i dont know because then ill feel as if im normal and that i have no problems what so ever.

theres always someone i can run to, but i think i kicked that person out of my life for a reason. a reason which i forgot, a reason which i think is stupid or is it? like i said, i dont know. if you must know, i dont hate that person. the only thing i hate was that i couldnt leave this place so i too can forget and relax.

well my 18th birthday is in a few days, i should be happy. but im never in a good mood when my birthday is near...dont know why either.  i guess the effects of one thing lasts a life time.

i should turn in, at least fake that im asleep. mum will be up soon.