Word Vomit ~

Reading old posts makes me think about the old things. If I say one thing and the following months after I do the complete opposite...what does it make me?
If I do something bad does it make me a bad person?
If I do something wrong does it mean I will always do something wrong?
Are people that judgemental to not be able to see past the crap?

I wanted to be serious, I really did. But what I did wasn't serious. What I did had caused so many dilemmas and even at this point in time I wish things had gone differently. There's never a moment where I can just stop and take the time to know someone, that time was all in high school but the things in high school doesn't really count because it was just fun and games.
I'm much older now and I should know what's right and wrong but I don't...its not that I regret this but I wish there was a time where it would've been perfect for it. Everything was rushed. We didn't think of the buts and the whys...we just went for it and now we have to suffer with the fact that things didn't go according to plan.

I can't deal with confrontation but I confront people. I guess its just me then...I can't deal with it but I do any way because I can't run away. I stand my ground and do what has to be done. I am this girl, I'm the kind of girl who takes responsibility and do what is right for herself and I also look out for those around me. 

I guess we all come to a stage in life where we have no idea about what it is that we're doing. If I do meet this girl what will happen? I should be up set shouldn't I? I should feel uncomfortable. Wasn't that one of the things you were worried about when we first started? That if she came back your feelings could change? What's stopping that from happening? Even if you have me, feelings can divert because you both have unresolved issues and it has nothing to do with me. Just because I'm yours doesn't mean anything when it comes to past issues. Yeah it will affect me and put me down a bit but there's nothing I can do about it. 
In the end you both were once best friends and as much as it hurts me to see you two talk or have an unresolved dilemma, there isn't anything I can do about it. It kills me to see you unhappy about her, it makes me feel like shit because you don't know what to do either. I know that you can see it the more I try to hide it. 

I know I don't think about things. I know I'm careless about most things that occur around me. I'm completely oblivious to it and I know that you want me to be more responsible. I'm still young but that can't be an excuse...I know that I have to be the adult here. It's my life and because you're part of it, the things that I choose to do will be for our life together.
I know it's early, much too early but it's been a month. A whole month. I know right...at the same time it feels like its been longer but already a month. I can't always look to you when something goes wrong, we can't have that kind of relationship because it won't be good for any of us. I have to know to think for myself when shit gets hard and its not something I do very often therefore its time to start.

Exams are coming up soon and I have been so oblivious to it, I'm going to be in so much shit for this T___________T
That's what happens when you get into a relationship...not that I don't want to be but I must work harder if I want all of this. 

Yours, Alice ~~

Slowly losing my mind ~

What is it this time? IS this normal? Or is it only temporary? I don't know if I can stand this, All of this, its as if I'm slowly losing my mind over a the little things.

I know how it feels now, to have a whole day go to waste. I know it to the core now and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the things that had occurred in the past, for the things that I had done. I know none of this makes any sense because it's not aimed at anyone at all. Its towards myself...

Minniie, I'm sorry for disappointing you for all these years. 

Madison, I'm sorry for not always being there for you.

May, I'm sorry for not listening to you.

You all were always right about everything. I just thought that if I did things my way then I would be able to find myself. But up until this very day I still don't know who I am and want it is that I want.

The thing is that none of you can tell why I am the way I am. Why is it that I act differently around different people? I know that you guys are closer to different groups but aren't I the one living in the real world? Aren't I the one that everyone sees?

So why is it that I'm acting on your behalf and everyone thinks its me? It kills me to not know who I really am. It scares me to think that I might lose him one day and it will be my own fault. It scares me to even think of letting myself go through that kind of tragedy. 

Who am I? Tell me this second who it is that I am!

Yours, Alice ~~

David Choi - Lucky Guy

It hasn't been that long but when it comes to writing then i guess a few months makes it seem long.
Again things are different around me but it feels like I'm still the same person. I hate to think back and realised that over these few years I have not changed one bit...it sucks...it makes me feel frustrated with myself.
The good thing is that I can see what it is that needs fixing about me, I know what I need to do in order to improve...but there's always a but...I don't know if I can do it. I'm twenty this year and I thought I knew exactly what is was that I wanted but its not that way at all. You can never be absolutely sure about the things you want in life because you're still so young. Even so, twenty is the ages where you start thinking about the things that you really want. You start planning your future and you start to work at it.

...My future? I'm looking at him right now even though he's asleep. He worries about me when he sees that I'm a different person around different people. He worries because he's scared about whether or not I know who I am. He cares for me and it makes me want to find myself. All these years I've changed but not for myself, it has always been for others. My entire life I've lived with trying to be myself so that others would accept me...but in doing so I am acting their way to be liked. That's not me, it can't be.
The good thing is that I notice when I'm a different person and so having that ability I just need to know what to do when I'm around different people. I'm going to be a supervisor at work soon and so I need to work on myself and fix myself before I try to fix others. I know that I am a great person, I can do great things. I'm a good friend to all my friends and I stand up for myself and for those around me. When I was in high school my home room teacher told me that I was the whole package and I so I grew up to who I am now trying to be the whole package. But I guess I'm trying too hard for others, I need to try for myself this time round.

Relationships, I know for a fact that I'm not good with them. It takes two to become one and so I have never gotten into those situations where you had to talk everything out. Now I do and yes its good but it makes me feel insecure...these talks strengthens the relationship but because I'm not used to it, I guess last night's talk got me a tad emotional to think that we were going to separate.
We both know that it would be easier for me to find myself if we aren't together but because we are together...I don't want to be apart from him to find myself. It might take a bit longer but I rather be with him and I rather we go through this together.

Please, just be patient with me ~ 

Yours Alice ~

Complete Happiness

It's been so long I know... its just that I've been writing on paper more so than blogs. Where do i even start...in the past three months so much has occured. one i could not do anything to stop and another that i had every control over.
Life and death comes and goes as soon as you blink, theres no stopping it... even now i cannot accept the fact that she's gone. Her presence still lingers around but everytime that i go to her house, grandpa is still there but he's getting old and his memory is slowing fading as we speak. i still look around for grandma but i know that shes gone. but i still cant help but look around for her. she left so many people behind, everyone was so used to having her around and she will be missed greatly. it still hasnt hit me yet but when it doesn i will break down to the ground where nothing can get me back up.
Thats the person that i am, i say that i can never get up but i know for a fact that im one of the strongest person i know. up until this point in life ive been stupid. ive made stupid mistakes that hurt those who have been innocent around me and it eats me up inside knowing that i did such thing.
I wish i hadnt ended things with Jimmy that day. I wish i hadnt chosen the home wrecker over what i already had. i was stupid and now, its going to be hard to get everyones trust back. those who are close to be doubt me, even my family doubt me with how Jimmy and I are back together. He's the only person that i had tried to stay with. the things i did to get him back...youd call me a stalker but when you love someone and want to be with them then you'd go to that kind of extent.
When you find that certain someone never let them go. I did that stupidly and only then I had realised that i had lost everything. So in persuit to get it back i ran after him one night but didnt catch him, every night for a whole week i cried over what we had because there was no such thing of it during those nights. few nights i had waited at his house but he never showed, one night he did but then i panicked and ran.
The following wednesday i pulled all the courage i had and spoke to him. i didnt know how to start it even though i had repeated it over and over to myself. but then after a short while i managed to tell him. i told him how i had missed him, i had missed what we had and how we were. that i had missed us. everytime you have him in your arm, everytime that youre in his, its one of the best comfort feelings in the world.

when you're in love, for a guy it shows in his eyes, for a girl it shows in her smile.

this time round im holding on, i will not be letting anyone come in between us. any thing like that occuring they're asking for a kick in the nuts. im dead set sure that Jimmy is the only person i want to be with. yeah we're young but when you find that speacial someone youll know what i'm talking about.
i see it with my best friend and her boy friend. at some stages everytime i look at them it makes my relationship feel like shit. im not comparing relationships but its a good feeling to see others be in love. same with my sister and her boyfriend. they're the two main relations that i get to see love occur because i never got to see it from my parents.

Oh and today during taekwon-do we were practicing our self defence and i dropped Jimmy pretty hard...

Just thought I put it out there for a laugh. I love him and nothing else matters.

Yours Alice ~

Drunk dial

Once upon a time, there lived the two most perfect couple. This was perfect because they didn’t know, how much they were meant to be together. It took a few years for them to see what they needed. And it was each other. Both of them did horrid things but then in the end they couldn’t help them selves, they still found a way to speak to one another. Every time she missed him, she went looking but never found him. He was always out and she was always in. they never crossed paths, they never met the real us.

After what happened, he said that you shouldn’t rush into things. But how can you wait when they’re right in front of you? How can you not just run up to them and wrap your arms tightly around them? From the point of view from the bunny I patted today, the two should really give it a chance and a chance to make it work.

I guess they both rushed into things. Never really spoke about it clearly and seriously.

Give us a chance, if it doesn’t work out in the end then fine but at least we know that we gave it shot. If you say that we did then you’re either stupid or in denial, second one sounds more suitable. What happened in the past weren’t chances, they were stupid choices and mistakes. Giving chances meaning taking the chance and giving it all you got. After all what’s life without going for the leap?

Some say he doesn’t care about her, but clearly she still does. Why can’t the two just cross paths, meet at a certain turn and just stare at each other and smile, talk and give it ago. If only one of them would drunk dial the other. So much easier, at least something starts.

From what I see the two can only be themselves around each other. Right now none of them are themselves. Mainly because she’s not in the right environment and is not surrounded by the people she loves and because he had nothing better to do then go out every weekend to drink. They need each other for life to be fine. But they can’t just simply start as if nothing ever happened…She probably needs him more then he cares about her…She just doesn’t give up…She wants to be with him and actually have him trust her. They want to trust each other as well as themselves. Because every time they put their trust in the other, that other shows them why they shouldn’t have trusted them.

It's 2.30 in the morning, I should hit the ZZz'z Goodnight my perfect couple.

DnM

When people ask “did you just do that?” I say “do what?” the thing is, why would I want people to know what I can do? its mine and I don’t want people to judge me and be afraid of me anymore then they already are.

When they ask that question I think back to the beginning when I realised I was different. Up until nine years old I was always told what to do and my choices were made for me. yeah I was a kid and that’s how its supposed to be but who says? Who said I couldn’t speak up and tell them what I was really thinking?

I didn’t want them to be living my life. I didn’t want them telling me what to do and I definitely didn’t want them making choices for me when I wouldn’t even go near the choices that were laid out for me.

That’s why I now live alone, the only person who sincerely cares for me is always looking at me as if they’re waiting for a truck to be running at me so they can push me out of the way. Even they can’t tell me what to do because they know better. They know why I chose the life I am now living, and as long as I have them around, I’m happy. The people who had lived my life for me, lets just say I havent seen of heard from them in god knows how long. Why would i? I don’t want to.

This thing I have, would you really call it a gift? Towards others, is it real or are they seeing things? Only I can tell them, but why would I? why would I let them know what I have? So they can find holes and use myself against me? fuck no. go find your own weapon.

D had always told me to never give up trying. Ever since I ran into him, literally, he pulled me up on my feet and asked what was wrong. I couldn’t tell him, I didn’t know how. I just found out what I had and I didn’t know how to explain it. up until now ten years, he still doesn’t have a clue as to what it is that had caused us to live the way we do. he works on cars, I wait tables at a café his friend owns. Anybody who tries and lay a hand on me will be sent across the room, either by me or D.

I hated it when D always did my dirty work for me. he knew I liked using what I had and so he didn’t want to have me use it all the time so he steps in. in a way its like living my life but he’s only doing it for my own good. What I have, I guess you can call it strength, strength that pushes others away and throws people across the room. Go figure, you’ll never get it so give up now.

So the reason as to why D is alone, I too never found out why. I guess its better living like how we are. Soon we’ll find out, we know each other pretty well. D hates it when I finish the car though. But I only do it when it steps in my life.

At least I get to drive. Stay off the road.

JUST DROP A HORSE...